Tenpasenta Church
of England.
Weddings
vicars_animated
   
 
ABOUT US WEDDINGS MATERNITY KIDS CLUB OVER50PLAN RETIREMENT
GERIATRIC DEATH REMEMBRANCE GIFT SHOP ROYAL VISIT HUMANITARIAN
FUNDRAISING GOLD4CHURCH SELF STORAGE HISTORY ESTATE VACANCIES
 
Donate to Mark
crem fresh pizza, dawson windows, gold for church. cock in hand
     
This site is not suitable for churchy types
Weddings for the privileged or discerning couple.Weddings for the privileged or discerning couple.

QUALITY WEDDINGS

Tenpasenta
Tenpasenta vicarage weddings
Crematorium sign and weddingsGetting married is a very special time in your life, and maybe your future partner's life too, however many times you end up doing it.
Whether you marry for love or money it's important to make it a special occasion.
Don't get fobbed off with a cheap ceremony at your local church or registry office, spend your inheritance or life savings and get married at Southampton's Tenpasenta Church.
Tenpasenta Church of England wedding sign
The Tenpasenta Church is the ideal spot to tie the knot, fully registered for births, deaths, and funerals, whatever that means.
£350 will buy you the Church for one hour, but the bar area will remain open to registered Tenpasenta members.
You will need to provide your own registrar as we can't be bothered with all that legal stuff. No expense has gone into providing you with the highest priced wedding that we can negotiate, giving you the peace of mind in knowing that your guests will think you're more than just a little bit flash.
We have a six-month waiting list for those wanting to marry at our Premium Church when combined with a vicarage reception, it's well worth the long wait.
Tenpasenta Church of England Southampton
If you wanted a summer wedding you better get your finger out, every bugger wants one. Roll on global warming we say, that should spread things out a bit.
If you can't wait because that secret baby is due soon, visit our Budget section.
Tenpasenta Church members have always been able to use the vicarage gardens for their wedding photographs after giving us cash donations, but now we have opened part of the vicarage ground floor for wedding receptions or wakes for any paying customers.
We have released enough space for up to 2,000 standing, or 800 sitting guests.
This is a fantastic opportunity for everyone to see how well Mark the vicar and his hangers-on live. You will see for yourself why donations and high service fees are so important to our church.
Tenpasenta Church of England weddings
SCENIC
Tenpasenta
Tenpasenta Church snow scene Our Premier church has a small disused graveyard surrounding it, ideal for those liking old headstones in their wedding snaps, but why anybody would is beyond us, if you like dead bodies in your photos try our funeral shops, they'll sort you out. Tenpasenta Church of England gay weddings
DRESS TIPS
Tenpasenta
Mark the vicar went through his photo album of recent weddings and by using his good taste and appreciation of haute couture he would like to offer his top tips for those brides with top tits, his selection of the most beautiful dresses he noticed last summer are posted here from his personal computer's secure folder, he's sure that you too will be impressed and hopes that any potential bride reading this will love the dresses too.
Film Film
wedding dress big boobs wedding dress big boobs wedding dress big boobs wedding dress big boobs wedding dress big boobs
Film Film
 
Film Film
wedding dress big boobs wedding dress big boobs wedding dress big boobs wedding dress big boobs wedding dress big boobs
Film Film
Tenpasenta Church
   
crem fresh pizza, dawson windows, gold for church. cock in hand
 
CASINO
Tenpasenta
Tenpasenta Church OF ENGLAND CASINO SOUTHAMPTON
Tenpasenta Church OF ENGLAND CASINO SOUTHAMPTON Fruit Machine Token
Tenpasenta Church OF ENGLAND CASINO SOUTHAMPTON WEDDINGS Resident grave digger and sub under vicar Brian is the pit Boss of our Monte Carlo style rigged casino.
The casino is the largest in Woolston, boasting the latest video fruit machines, including the Crazy Crucifix whose mega jackpot is still rising, in fact, it's never been won since we opened legally in 2008, maybe one of your wedding guests be our first big winner? Doubt it. £1 a spin.
We also offer traditional table games such as Blackjack, Roulette, Bingo and noughts and crosses.
If you wanted a first-rate disco, our locum nun Sister Mary can spin the discs for only £200 and a running bar tab, good value indeed.
crazy crucifix fruit machine Tenpasenta Church casino
VICARAGE
Tenpasenta
Tenpasenta weddings Newly_married
View our coffin range as you eat Bride and Groom Spinning at their tenpasenta wedding
During your reception at the vicarage why not take a look at the tennis courts and the swimming pool around the back, warning the fence is electrified to 20,000 volts.
Imagine living in luxury liker this, to have sporting facilities and never use them.
by having your wedding with us you are buying into this ultimate luxury for the day, but don't visit uninvited dressed in wedding garb for photos because you will be stripped of your wallet or handbag and ejected from the estate.
Tenpasenta tennis Tenpasenta Photo op
PHOTO
Tenpasenta
Tenpasenta Vicarage dining room Church in Southampton
About the vicarage grounds are areas of outstanding beauty, we have special plaques marking these photo opportunities.
These spots are an invaluable aid in keeping peoples wedding albums nice and uniform, that way when you check out a friends wedding pictures you can say "we stood there too".
One such point is the view across the VIP car park facing the original Tenpasenta Church imported from New York, if you're lucky enough you may catch sight of a budget wedding or funeral in progress, always good for a laugh.
Tenpasenta Photo op
WINDOW
Tenpasenta
Simulated view from Tenpasenta vicarage in 1990
 
Take a rest in our beautiful Sun lounge, with views over the lawns towards our storage facility, cremation pyres, mortuary, Southampton water and the local sewerage works, we're sure you will agree it's a memorable sight.
Pictured left is a simulated webcam view, imagine yourself in one of those comfy old chairs reading the hefty bill your Father is going to be left with.
Bint getting married
PARKING
Tenpasenta
We only host one Premium wedding reception per day, all our staff are dedicated to making your day the most special day ever, even though to be honest every reception is pretty much as special as another, bloody boring for us to be honest.
Note, only new or ultra-luxury cars may be parked in the VIP parking bays, ANY vehicle parked here and deemed to lower the tone will be removed to the far end of the estate next to the funeral pyres, examples include Porsche Cayenne, Fiat Multipla, and all brightly coloured cars, if you bought one of these we recommend you seek psychiatric care.
We have 3 disabled bays, these are for disabled drivers or passengers and have not been provided for wealthy drivers who believe that having a few quid entitles them to park where they want, one such Bentley continental driver was more than a little surprised to find his car re-parked off the end of our quay.
Aston Martin removed from our car park

BUDGET STYLE

Tenpasenta
Budget church weddings Budget church weddings
Wedding waiting system Ticket machine We have a unique turn up and wait Budget wedding service. Just take a number when you arrive at our Budget Church and wait to be called.
These marriages may not be strictly legal, but what do you expect for £25 each?
We've noticed that many of our budget customers can't afford snazzy wedding garb or are too damn lazy to walk to our beautiful premium church for photos, that's why the vicar invested heavily in a cutout board that you can stick your heads through and your wedding pictures will be of style and class that impresses your friends for weeks after, a picture that will be a focal point on your council house wall for year's to come.
Wedding photo cutout Wedding photo cutout.

INVITATIONS

Tenpasenta
dual purpose Invitation cards Give your wedding a touch of class by sending our bespoke beautifully handwritten style invitation cards. Each card exudes quality, giving your invited guests a taste of the luxurious things to come.
Discounts for purchases over 1000. Or just £1 each.
By using a black marker pen these unique invitation cards can be simply updated to a funeral invitation, giving them a duel use and added extra value if you'd bought too many.
crem fresh pizza, dawson windows, gold for church. cock in hand
     
If you're giving we're taking
 

SONGS

Tenpasenta
Songs of Praise Southampton Songs of Praise Southampton
Our very own choir can be hired at high rates, formed in 1968 they have won several singing awards, even appearing in the audience on a 1978 edition of the BBC's Songs of Praise.
Unfortunately only 17, sorry 14 of the original 40 singers are alive today, 3 of which suffer dementia but still sound great to the hard of hearing.
Remember the Tenpasenta singers will not be around forever (thank goodness), so book now.
FLORAL
Tenpasenta
Local wedding flowers
We have a nice selection of wedding flowers. All flowers are locally sourced and available to you at very competitive prices. No need to book ahead as we can supply on the day of your wedding. You can visit several flower arrangement displays left around our graveyard, point out the arrangement you are interested in, and you will find an exact "copy" ready for you at your wedding ceremony. In a novel twist, we have noticed many brides who throw a wreath after their wedding end up throwing it over a washing line, if you get any mess on the vicar's clean underwear he'll not be happy.
PERSONAL
Tenpasenta
Tenpasenta tarts night Vicars and Tarts
Mark the vicar is very very happy to visit your party or Hen night, at his age it's the only way he can get within 3 feet of attractive women, even those who look like a moose to be honest, so if your theme is Vicars and Tarts all the better, he has the costume.
Attractive female guests may find themselves invited back to the private apartments and given a free personal service by the vicar, a treat indeed.
Tenpasenta Church
   
crem fresh pizza, dawson windows, gold for church. cock in hand
 
QUALITY FILMING
Tenpasenta
Being one of Europe's most reputable Churches means we invested in the very best digital camera technology to capture your big day.
By buying directly from the Atomic Weapons Agency in Libya meant we have obtained some pretty slick industrial-grade movie equipment. We have yet to find a proper use for the X-ray option but I'm sure we'll think of something, Mark the vicar has tested this facility but claims the function had probably been disabled by the Libyans for safety reasons, he noticed nothing special beyond the cameras ability to make him look a lot slimmer.
Every wedding video is edited using Microsoft Movie Maker, this top-end editing suite is used by DreamWorks/Disney for their movies, perhaps.
film Indian Wedding southampton film
In this age of digital imaging, making a quality wedding film has never been easier or more profitable. Using skills learned from making our funeral service films, we are proud to offer a very personal in house Wedding Movie Service. We offer customers a choice of the most modern video formats available, including the new and very popular DVD! Prices start at only £50 for a ten-minute unedited movie, which consists of the opening titles and end credits. £8,000 buys our full wedding day special, we follow the happy couple for the whole day from getting dressed to the consummation, these videos are guaranteed to bore even your closest relative shitless. (If you were to opt into our free autopsy offer, we can film that too). Iranian Camera
Wedding Movie service
GREAT MEALS
Tenpasenta
Collyer's kitchen crematorium food
We offer a choice of two luxurious meals for both normal people and vegetarians (vegans can just grow up), both meals are hand-reheated by our in-house catering team, who will collect your choice from the local Sainsburys cafe only five minutes drive away. At only £42 (plus 5p bag surcharge) per head, these are fantastic value and nutritious meals everybody guest will love.
Film Film
Fry up bugs me too Bog Roll wood
Film Film
We have two large patio areas at the vicarage, both are available to our wedding parties on fair days.
The south-facing patio has stunning views across Woolston, the east-facing patio has a built-in barbecue made from Ashes2bricks, it faces the crematorium, so that's ironic.
A short walk from here is the Church shop, admire the paving on your way as it's a selection of the best headstones excavated here in the 70's.
Don't forget that our Premier Church is also here, a great photo opportunity for those liking that traditional church look but were too tight-fisted to get married there in the first place, guests will be pleased to hear that it is now the Cock in Hand pub and they are entitled to free ice with their beer if they take the bride or groom with them as proof of entry.
Ashes 2 bricks bbq
COMBINED WEDDING DEAL
Tenpasenta
Wedding autopsy winner The caring Tenpasenta Church is never backward in coming forward with great new money-saving ideas for you that also mean extra business for us, because our funeral division and wedding venues are all within easy reach of each other we can now offer all newly married couples the option of having a FREE autopsy done on themselves just after the wedding service.
Couples can save over £5,000 with this deal but they must agree to a Tenpasenta Premium funeral to qualify.
Couples having a FREE wedding day autopsy will also benefit from being happily married until death do they part, something which much of the married population cannot boast, we recommend couples have a joint funeral too which would be a truly romantic departure.
Unfortunately the hard of thinking will need to be reminded that this involves death, this can be problematic and we will not be held responsible for any injury caused by the death process, so don't expect to claim for whiplash from our insurance company.
Many people traditionally get buried or cremated in their old wedding clothes, we can arrange for brides to have their wedding dresses dyed black during their autopsy for only £50. No need to cancel the wedding reception as this can become the wake. Grieving relatives can enjoy our premium Church Cock in hand bar facilities. Let your partner go first, then opt out yourself, an excellent way to benefit from your new partners Will. autoopsy vicar
BIG DECISION
Tenpasenta
Chopped up couple

Remember, having an autopsy is a big decision to make, it will affect you and your partners whole future, or lack of it.
As a couple, you should decide if it's the right move for you, but with £5,000 worth of savings to be made don't think too long and miss out. You will also save thousands by not getting a mortgage or having expensive children to look after for bloody years.
Just before the euthanasia process (pushed down the stairs) if one of you should change your mind, and we had not arranged a secret opt-out for you (a safety word system), we will carry on regardless, this is a joint offer* and we are not prepared to go back on a contract just because of some petty last-minute thoughts, although we are prepared to take the mother-in-law in lieu.

*if both of you secretly opted out we will still dispose of one of you, usually the ugliest.

Donate to Mark
ABOUT US
ABOUT US WEDDINGS MATERNITY KIDS CLUB OVER50PLAN RETIREMENT
GERIATRIC DEATH REMEMBRANCE GIFT SHOP ROYAL VISIT HUMANITARIAN
FUNDRAISING GOLD4CHURCH SELF STORAGE HISTORY ESTATE VACANCIES
MATERNITY
     
Southampton Council
Southampton city Council
Donate to Mark Budget Funerals Premium Funerals
Who made this crap?
Publisher
Copyright M. Collyer
Disclaimer: All products and services promoted on this site are fictional, and once purchased are non-refundable.