Church Shop

Gift shop
Tenpasenta church
Southampton

ABOUT US	WEDDINGS	MATERNITY	KIDS CLUB	OVER50PLAN	RETIREMENT
GERIATRIC	DEATH	REMEMBRANCE	GIFT SHOP	ROYAL VISIT	HUMANITARIAN
FUNDRAISING	GOLD4CHURCH	SELF STORAGE	HISTORY	ESTATE	JOBS

LUXURY SURROUNDINGS

		Church Gift Shop
	Our beautiful Church gifts are currently exclusive to the Tenpasenta church gift shop and our eBay bulk value outlet store. Our newly refurbished shop is conveniently located via our funeral chapel exit. This plush store reflects the quality materials and workmanship that goes into every Tenpasenta product, from coffins to donation boxes. Don't be fooled into thinking that the "Made in China" labels means we buy cheap and sell high, although those who did come to that conclusion could be correct.

This site is not suitable for churchy types

CHURCH NICKNACKS

Tenpasenta shirt £105

Cryptadvisor shirt £85

Tenpasenta hat £55

Badge £250

Penis Enlarger £550

Salt and pepper £125

Three vicar mug collectors editition £255

BIG PHARMA

Here at the Tenpasenta church we're not ones to shy away from stealing a good profit making idea, in this case we have copied an idea by world renowned TV journalist Sir Alex Jones, and his Infowars pharmaceuticals.
Help support the world's top fake church by buying our top fake pills, produced by internationally unheard of Yu Sche Ting Pills Co., LTD of China, guaranteed to have been hand bottled by children bringing money to the impoverished, it's a win win situation.
As with all untested health supplements there is potential for death, so bear this in mind when purchasing.

Chyte Storm

Essential Clunge Juice

Orgasmax

Ejacuload

BLACK PUDDING

We are proud to sell our very own recipe of Black Pudding, EMBALMERS CHOICE by Silvercrest Foods.
Made entirely from locally sourced ingredients, these have been a popular part of many a breakfast meal among Southampton residents, we hope to enter our Embalmers choice black pudding into pudding competitions up North, we just can't be bothered with the long drive.

CREM FRESH PIZZA

Fresh pizza from our very own crematorium retorts!
Savour the stone baked taste of our hand made pizzas, we have enough heat left in our cremators to offer great tasting Crem fresh pizza every evening from 6pm-11:30pm.
We'd like to advise buyers that due to differences in temperature early pizzas will be crispier than later ones.

GRAVEL

	Aquarium gravel
	We have access to the highest quality aquarium gravel with a difference, our gravel looks just like human teeth. These high gloss enamel ~~teeth~~ stones are easy to clean and look great. Guaranteed to last a lifetime. Only £25 per Kilo

DOG BONES

	DOG BONES bones for dogs

Give your dog a treat with a vintage bone from our very wide selection, they are however marrow free but still have some kind of taste dogs love.
If you don't have a dog but do have a fancy garden, we keep the smaller toe bones that are ideal to cook, grind up and sprinkle on your flower beds or lawn as a organic fertiliser.
We are proud suppliers of authentic human skulls, give that Shakespearean play a touch of class, or your occult meeting the realism it deserves or maybe just scare the Grandchildren shitless with tales of an unburied relative?
Dog bones from £1 each.
Fertiliser bones from £6 per 5 kilo sack.
Human skulls from only £40 each.
All bones have been unclaimed by relatives, so no worries there.

MYSTICAL GRAVE CRYSTALS

	Everybody who has walked through a graveyard has noticed the brightly coloured glass chippings on some graves. Who hasn't fancied taking a few home? Now is your chance to buy some grave crystals, only 25p each. You could get some for free from the cemetery, but you will become haunted by evil poltergeists if you did!
		Dark blue.
		Bright blue.
		Brown.
		White.
MYSTICAL GRAVE CRYSTALS		Green.

PROSTHESIS OUTLET

Thanks to our funeral advertising campaign in association with The Royal British Legion, we have come into possession of hundreds of army-surplus prosthetic body parts, some dating back to World War II.
We once used these as part of our shop mannequin repair business, many examples of which can still be seen in Tyrell & Green's Southampton.
Today we offer these various limbs for sale to the many crippled members of the general public.
Our prices compare favourably with those found on other charity sites.

OCULAR IMPLANTS

Come and take a e look at our vast selection of prosthetic eyes.
Ideal as joke ice cubes or just as a novelty joke, maybe even as a replacement eye?
We couldn't get any of them to work as we had no ophthalmic batteries, but they look okay, so sold as seen...if you can.
Many appear to be hand painted and could be worth a few quid on the modern arts market.
One size fits all?
We apologise to customers seeking a matching pair, even though we have many hundreds in stock only a few are a complete set for some reason.

DENTURE RANGE

We understand that as poor people get old their rotten old teeth may not be up to the job anymore, and with the NHS dental service being a bit hit or miss these days getting new false gnashers could be a long and painful problem.
We are able to obtain full sets from our many involuntary donors, pop in and see if any fit. Get that Simon Cowell smile from only £25 a set.
Single teeth are available to fill that ugly gap, we have them by the bucket, take a look. We guarantee that none of these have been through our crematorium, and if they had the black comes off in bleach.

WHOLESALE PACEMAKERS

We have a vast array of Pacemakers from different eras, and you have the chance to buy one or more for either their novelty value, self implantation to prolong your life, or just for electrocuting your friends!
These fantastic life saving instruments eventually let down their host, which is a pity as many believed they would live forever having one of these implanted.
We need to remove these before a cremation or else they cause costly problems in the retort, this means we can offer one to you from only £100.
They hold quite a potent electric charge, great for jokes or jump starting your car.
Don't miss out.

WIGS AND TOUPES


They say everybody can find fruit in their family tree, and the vicar's tree is no exception. Cousin Gaylord joined the team in 2003, bringing with him years of hairdressing experience, ideal for styling our human hair wigs and toupees. Gaylord's boutique is situated up the rear passage of the gift shop, if you have a bald head why not poke it in Gaylord's back door?	Gaylord's wig shop has access to a secret and unlimited supply of human hair meaning that he is able to produce the worlds most natural looking wigs, give Gaylord a ring and make an appointment for some very personal head attention. Potential customers can visit our drive through chapel of rest to view a selection of the latest hairstyles and colours that will soon become available to in wig form, due to the nature of our funeral business you'll notice grey is the most common colour, you can select the colour for you from the chart above, stunning.

UNIQUE GARDEN PAVING

We have some super "paving slabs" available, in fact you have over 12,000 to choose from, these luxury slabs will make a perfect addition to any garden, they can be used face down for that perfect patio, or maybe face up for an interesting pathway to your shed.
Thanks to the age of our old graveyard nearly all the paving slabs are the same colour, we can only imagine the troubles council cemeteries will have in the years ahead, the latest fashion appears to be for black headstones, and who will want a black patio? Our guess is that funeral directors are selling extra thick headstones that can have the words sliced off so that they can be used again, if not we may do that in the future as it sounds like a good idea.
We sell many of our slabs to Goths who like to transform their gardens into pretend cemeteries (that must please the parents), there must be a million uses for these individually crafted pieces of stone, even though we can only think of three.
It is with regret that we recently received the damaged gravestone belonging to the late Lord Sir Jimmy Savile, apparently the family removed this ostentatious headstone leaving just a small hole without a bush around it, they said it's what he would have wanted.

Paving slabs from only £8 each.

GARDEN ORNAMENTS


Add a touch of class to the ropiest of gardens.

Many landscape gardeners enquire about our range of modern garden ornaments, we're glad to say that the vicar has decided to start selling these, mainly due to the fact that he can't find any good use for them.
Garden gnome range from 2' to 9'6", all appear to be granite or white marble, we have several arms and two heads without bodies for those interested.
We have 5 superb stone cloches, standing at just over 2' 6" high, they would be ideal for growing mushrooms.
Newly available from 2010 will be 3 beautifully built stone sheds, these really are great works of masonry art, there are several names and dates that have been chiselled into the marble ruining the effect, but these could easily be plastered over.

Garden ornaments (mainly Angels) from £45.
Stone cloches from £320.
Sheds from £2000

Sun loungers from £1000

CABINET DOORS

Due to clever management at the crematorium, we are pleased to offer for sale these premium Italian wardrobe doors, an excellent opportunity to beautify your bedroom at the fraction of the cost of an Italian carpenter hand making them, and personally delivering the product himself to your house.
Don't miss out, we have a limited stock of only 3000+.

BODY BAGS

Ideal for any situation that requires hiding a dead body from general view.
Robust vinyl for rough or single person handling, these dead body bags are the first choice amongst professionals, especially those who get free samples from the manufacturer.
Our special offer price is only £25, they are worth buying just for keeping your spare clothes dust free under the bed, in fact they are ultimate gift for anyone with an untidy house.

ABOUT US	WEDDINGS	MATERNITY	KIDS CLUB	OVER50PLAN	RETIREMENT
GERIATRIC	DEATH	REMEMBRANCE	GIFT SHOP	ROYAL VISIT	HUMANITARIAN
FUNDRAISING	GOLD4CHURCH	SELF STORAGE	HISTORY	ESTATE	JOBS

Copyright M. Collyer
Disclaimer: All products and services promoted on this site are fictional, and once purchased are non-refundable.