Gift shop
Tenpasenta church
of England
vicars_animated
   
REMEMBRANCE
ABOUT US WEDDINGS MATERNITY KIDS CLUB OVER50PLAN RETIREMENT
GERIATRIC DEATH REMEMBRANCE GIFT SHOP ROYAL VISIT HUMANITARIAN
FUNDRAISING GOLD4CHURCH SELF STORAGE HISTORY ESTATE JOBS
ROYAL VISIT to SOUTHAMPTON
Donate to Mark

LUXURY SURROUNDINGS

Tenpasenta
Church gift Shop Tenpasenta church Church Gift Shop
Our beautiful Church gifts are currently exclusive to the Tenpasenta church gift shop and our eBay bulk value outlet store.
Our newly refurbished shop is conveniently located via our funeral chapel exit.Tenpasenta finger
This plush store reflects the quality materials and workmanship that goes into every Tenpasenta product, from coffins to donation boxes.
Don't be fooled into thinking that the "Made in China" labels means we buy cheap and sell high, although those who did come to that conclusion could be correct.
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This site is not suitable for churchy types
 

CHURCH NICKNACKS

Tenpasenta
Tenpasenta T shirt Cryptadvisor T shirt tenpasenta hat
Tenpasenta shirt £105 Cryptadvisor shirt £85 Tenpasenta hat £55
aunt mug Guaranteed penis enlarger Salt and pepper shakers
aunt mug £150 Penis Enlarger £550 Salt and pepper £125
icar mug collectors editition icar mug collectors editition icar mug collectors editition
Three vicar mug collectors edition £255
BIG PHARMA
Tenpasenta
Chyte Storm Clunge juice Ejacuload
Chyte Storm Essential Clunge Juice Ejacuload
Orgasmax Here at the Tenpasenta church we're not ones to shy away from stealing a good profit making idea, in this case we have copied an idea by world renowned TV journalist Sir Alex Jones, and his vast choice of life enhancing Infowars pharmaceuticals.
Help support the world's top fake church by buying our top of the range fake pills, not produced by internationally unheard of Yu Sche Ting Mee, LTD of China.
We guarantee that had these been real each bottle would have been to have been hand-bottled by small children, bringing a little money to the impoverished, so it'd be a win-win situation for all of us.
As with all untested health supplements, there is potential for death, so bear this in mind when purchasing, so it's just as well they'll not be delivered..
Orgasmax
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Tenpasenta logo    
     
 

BLACK PUDDING

TENPASENTA_BANNER
EMBALMERS CHOICE BLACK PUDDINGS We are proud to sell our very own recipe of Black Pudding, EMBALMERS CHOICE, hand-crafted by our evening shift.
Made entirely from locally sourced ingredients, these have been a popular part of Southampton's breakfasts for many years, we'd like to enter our Embalmers choice black pudding into pudding competitions up North, we just can't be bothered with the long drive.
EMBALMERS CHOICE BLACK PUDDINGS

CREM FRESH PIZZA

Tenpasenta
Fresh pizza from our very own crematorium retorts!
Savour the stone-baked taste of our hand made pizzas, we have enough heat left in our cremators to offer great tasting Crem fresh pizza every evening from 6 pm-11:30 pm.
We'd like to advise buyers that due to differences in temperature early pizzas will be crispier than later ones.
Crem Fresh Piza
Aquarium gravel
Tenpasenta
Aquarium gravel We have access to the highest quality aquarium gravel, but with a difference! Our gravel looks just like human teeth. colgate
These high gloss enamel teeth looking stones are easy to clean and look great. Guaranteed to last beyond a lifetime.
Only £25 per Kilo, free tube of Colgate nwith every purchase.
Aquarium gravel
DOG BONES
Tenpasenta
Give your dog a treat with a vintage bone from our very wide selection, they are however marrow free but still have some kind of taste dogs love.
If you don't have a dog but do have a fancy garden, we keep the smaller toe bones that are ideal to cook, grind up and sprinkle on your flower beds or lawn as an organic fertiliser.
We are proud suppliers of authentic human skulls, give that Shakespearean play a touch of class, or your occult meeting the realism it deserves or maybe just scare the Grandchildren shitless with tales of an unburied relative?
Dog bones from £1 each.
Fertiliser bones from £6 per 5-kilo sack.
Human skulls from only £40 each.
All bones have been unclaimed by relatives, so no worries there.
hand pick your dogs bones
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If you're giving, we're taking
 
MYSTICAL GRAVE CRYSTALS
TENPASENTA_BANNER
MYSTICAL GRAVE CRYSTALS Everybody who has walked through a graveyard has noticed the brightly coloured glass chippings on some graves. Who hasn't fancied taking a few home?
Now is your chance to buy some grave crystals, only 50p each. You could get some for free from the cemetery, but you will become haunted by evil poltergeists if you did!
blue GRAVE 
CRYSTALS Dark blue. MYSTICAL GRAVE CRYSTAL
bright blue GRAVE 
CRYSTALS Bright blue. MYSTICAL GRAVE CRYSTAL
brown GRAVE 
CRYSTALS Brown. MYSTICAL GRAVE CRYSTAL
white GRAVE 
CRYSTALS White. MYSTICAL GRAVE CRYSTAL
MYSTICAL GRAVE
CRYSTALS
green GRAVE 
CRYSTALS Green. MYSTICAL GRAVE CRYSTAL
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Tenpasenta church
     
 
PROSTHESIS OUTLET
Tenpasenta
PROSTHESIS OUTLET Thanks to our funeral advertising campaign in association with The Royal British Legion, we have come into possession of hundreds of army-surplus prosthetic body parts, some dating back to World War II.
We once used these as part of our shop mannequin repair business, many examples of which can still be seen in Tyrell & Green's Southampton.
Today we offer these various limbs for sale to the many crippled members of the general public.
Our prices compare favourably with those found on other charity sites.
PROSTHESIS OUTLET
OCULAR IMPLANTS
Tenpasenta
prosthetic eye Come and take a look at our vast selection of prosthetic eyes.
Ideal as joke ice cubes or just as a novelty joke, maybe even as a replacement eye?
We couldn't get any of them to work as we had no ophthalmic batteries, but they look okay, so sold as seen...if you can.
Many appear to be hand-painted and could be worth a few quid on the modern art market.
One size fits all?
We apologise to customers seeking a matching pair, even though we have many hundreds in stock only a few are a complete set for some reason.
prosthetic eye
DENTURE RANGE
Tenpasenta
False teeth We understand that as poor people get old their rotten old teeth may not be up to the job anymore, and with the NHS dental service being a bit hit or miss these days getting new false gnashers could be a long and painful problem.
We can obtain full sets from our many involuntary donors, pop in and see if any fit. Get that Simon Cowell smile from only £25 a set.
Single teeth are available to fill that ugly gap, we have them by the bucket, take a look. We guarantee that none of these have been through our crematorium, and if they had the black comes off in bleach.
False teeth
WHOLESALE PACEMAKERS
Tenpasenta
Electric shock risk We have a vast array of Pacemakers from different eras, and you have the chance to buy one or more for either their novelty value, self implantation to prolong your life, or just for electrocuting your friends!
These fantastic life-saving instruments eventually let down their host, which is a pity as many believed they would live forever having one of these implanted.
We need to remove these before a cremation or else they cause costly problems in the retort, this means we can offer one to you from only £100.
They hold quite a potent electric charge, great for jokes or jump-starting your car.
Don't miss out.
Pacemaker
WIGS AND TOUPES
Tenpasenta
Gaylord Collyer Wig colours another wig
They say everybody can find a fruit in their family tree, and the vicar's tree is no exception. Cousin Gaylord joined the team in 2003, bringing with him years of hairdressing experience, ideal for styling our human hair wigs and toupees.
Gaylord's boutique is situated up the rear passage of the gift shop, if you have a bald head why not poke it in Gaylord's back door?
Gaylord's wig shop has access to a secret and unlimited supply of human hair meaning that he is able to produce the worlds most natural looking wigs, give Gaylord a ring and make an appointment for some very personal head attention.
Potential customers can visit our drive through chapel of rest to view a selection of the latest hairstyles and colours that will soon become available to in wig form, due to the nature of our funeral business you'll notice grey is the most common colour, you can select the colour for you from the chart above, stunning.
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giving
 
UNIQUE GARDEN PAVING
TENPASENTA_BANNER
Gravestone garden slabs for sale. Gravestone garden slabs for sale.

We have some super "paving slabs" available, in fact, you have over 12,000 to choose from, these luxury slabs will make a perfect addition to any garden, they can be used face down for that perfect patio, or maybe face up for an interesting pathway to your shed.
Thanks to the age of our old graveyard nearly all the paving slabs are the same colour, we can only imagine the troubles council cemeteries will have in the years ahead, the latest fashion appears to be for black headstones, and who will want a black patio? Our guess is that funeral directors are selling extra-thick headstones that can have the words sliced off so that they can be used again, if not we may do that in the future as it sounds like a good idea.
We sell many of our slabs to Goths who like to transform their gardens into pretend cemeteries (that must please the parents), there must be a million uses for these individually crafted pieces of stone, even though we can only think of three.
It is with regret that we recently received the damaged gravestone belonging to the late Lord Sir Jimmy Savile, apparently, the family removed this ostentatious headstone leaving just a small hole without a bush around it, they said it's what he would have wanted.

Paving slabs from only £8 each.

GARDEN ORNAMENTS
TENPASENTA_BANNER
Cloche ornaments Stone shed
Add a touch of class to the ropiest of gardens.
Many landscape gardeners enquire about our range of modern garden ornaments, we're glad to say that the vicar has decided to start selling these, mainly due to the fact that he can't find any good use for them.
Garden gnome range from 2' to 9'6", all appear to be granite or white marble, we have several arms and two heads without bodies for those interested.
We have 5 superb stone cloches, standing at just over 2' 6" high, they would be ideal for growing mushrooms.
Newly available from 2010 will be 3 beautifully built stone sheds, these really are great works of masonry art, there are several names and dates that have been chiselled into the marble ruining the effect, but these could easily be plastered over.

Garden ornaments (mainly Angels) from £45.
Stone cloches from £320.
Sheds from £2000
Mark the vicar on sun lounger
Sun loungers from £1000
 
CABINET DOORS
TENPASENTA_BANNER
Coffin lids for wardrobe  or kitchen unit doors
Due to clever management at the crematorium, we are pleased to offer for sale these premium Italian wardrobe doors, an excellent opportunity to beautify your bedroom at the fraction of the cost of an Italian carpenter hand making them, and personally delivering the product himself to your house.
Don't miss out, we have a limited stock of only 30,000+.
BODY BAGS
Tenpasenta
Body bags, buy one get one free  
Ideal for any situation that requires hiding a dead body from general view.
Robust vinyl for rough or single person handling, these dead body bags are the first choice amongst professionals, especially those who get free samples from the manufacturer.
Our special offer price is only £25, they are worth buying just for keeping your spare clothes dust-free under the bed, in fact, they are the ultimate gift for anyone with an untidy house.
Buy one get one free, with deals this good they're going fast, restricted to one unit per customer.
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Donate to Mark
REMEMBRANCE
ABOUT US WEDDINGS MATERNITY KIDS CLUB OVER50PLAN RETIREMENT
GERIATRIC DEATH REMEMBRANCE GIFT SHOP ROYAL VISIT HUMANITARIAN
FUNDRAISING GOLD4CHURCH SELF STORAGE HISTORY ESTATE JOBS
ROYAL VISIT to SOUTHAMPTON
     
Southampton city Council
Odd British Black humour site
Budget Funerals Premium Funerals Donate to Mark
Who made this crap?
Publisher
  Copyright M. Collyer
Disclaimer: All products and services promoted on this site are fictional, and once purchased are non-refundable.