Fundraising for the
Tenpasenta church
of England
vicars_animated
   
HUMANITARIAN AID
ABOUT US WEDDINGS MATERNITY KIDS CLUB OVER50PLAN RETIREMENT
GERIATRIC DEATH REMEMBRANCE GIFT SHOP ROYAL VISIT HUMANITARIAN
FUNDRAISING GOLD4CHURCH SELF STORAGE HISTORY ESTATE JOBS
GOLD4CHURCH
Donate to Mark
CHURCH ROOF
Tenpasenta
Church roof fundraising We noticed a long time ago how nearly every church in the country appeared to have a yearly roof appeal. It was calculated that this must bring them tens of thousands of pounds in easy revenue from parishioners who believe that giant money raised so far thermometers put outside the church affect the weather too.
Tenpasenta engineer vicars quickly jumped on the idea of a custom made removable roof for our church.
Having a specially constructed portable worn-out roof for the beginning of an appeal will help convince those parishioners willing to give money the severity of the situation, after raising sufficient funds to pay for our flash holidays it can be quickly and easily replaced with the "new" roof we took off swapped with earlier.
Other churches around the country who were impressed with our system begged us to sell them our roof swapping system, which we were more than happy to oblige as long as we get 10% of their profits. So far this system has been used 20 times on the Tenpasenta Premier Church raising £5 million, and 794 times nationally by other churches raising over £218 million, of which £22 million is our share, plus a further fees for hire of our helicopter and crew, construction of removable roofs is also a lucrative business, and certainly makes good use of any leftover coffin lids that we may have removed by accident before cremation.
The patented system has now been franchised worldwide to less reputable Churches like the Catholics, bringing in several more millions of pounds, whoever said there was no money in religion needs to visit us for true enlightenment.
rise
Tenpasenta Church of England Southampton Southampton Church

HAND RELIEF 2017

Tenpasenta
Hand Relief
Hand relief As we grow older our circulation becomes less efficient and our extremities become vulnerable to the ambient temperature, as the cold nights draw in our thoughts inevitably turn to those poverty stricken pensioners stuck in their overly large expensive to heat houses, why they remain in them and not donate them to the Tenpasenta church is beyond me, we'd happily put them up in an easy to heat caravan, but there we are and there they are, the jammy bastards.
By sponsoring an elderly person you know and visiting them during a cold snap to shake their hands will promote blood flow to their fingers and we can raise thousands of pounds for ourselves to keep our hands warm too, it's a win-win, welcome to Hand Relief 2019.
We recommend that you send us a minimum of 50p per shake of an old persons hand, but the more the better, the gas for our crematoriums doesn't pay for itself, which ironically warms up a whole lot more old people too.
Last year Trevor "The Tremor" Smith raised £6000 for us in just one morning, his sponsor had forgotten about his Parkinson's disease, which gave us a giggle as we counted up the cash.
     
This site is not suitable for churchy types
 

RECYCLE FOR CASH

Tenpasenta
Femoral components are a common by-product of many cremations, they can contain very valuable metals, and in the name of "doing our bit for the environment," we like to recycle them into a very lucrative by-product. We hear that the Cobalt is often used in aircraft engines, and other less valuable metals are smelted down and made into road signs, motorway barriers and lampposts, a part of your dead relative could be with you wherever you travel, which is nice.
Metal prices have not been too steady over the past year, however, and if they continue to fall we may be forced to cancel our annual staff trip to Disney World Orlando.
 
Femoral component Money Femoral component
Info only: Whilst some consider the recycling of metals recovered from cremation to be illegal or could be challenged, it is worth considering the following points: The law does not say that it is illegal so therefore a challenge would need to be made in the Courts to obtain a judgment. Those bereaved wishing to go through our stock before shipment are more than welcome to do so, it will be for them to prove that femoral component came from their loved one.
Tenpasenta church
     
 
SUGAR2SUGAR
Tenpasenta_BANNER
Lord Alan Sugar lord sir alan sugar
We invited self-proclaimed Business Guru Lord Sir Alan Sugar to put his wrinkly old face to our Diabetes fundraiser.
As Mark the vicar creeps into middle age and spread, he noticed that many life-threatening or debilitating conditions that once only affected other people were now affecting him. Many celebrities will suddenly support one charity or other when an illness affects them or their family, and Mark the vicar is no exception to this rule and any money-making opportunities that may arise from it.
Lord Alan Sugar
Diabetes Lord Alan Sugar
Mark the Vicar was recently diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and told to lay off the sugar or face the complications the disease can bring, including the loss of limbs, early death or worse.
Having seen for himself how badly the dead are treated in this part of the country by some funeral directors he decided to take immediate action.
Looking into the statistics for diabetes in the UK it could affect 10% of the population, thinking that the chances are that many of these afflicted people may have already purchased a big bag of sugar or two before being diagnosed and would be at a loss as to what now to do with it, this is where our fundraising scheme comes to the rescue. Sugar 2 Sugar.
Sugar2sugar
Lord Sugar Sugar2Sugar is where we collect unwanted sugar from diabetics cupboards throughout the country, with our first 50 nationwide collection bins based on Lord Sugar's well known face, we were able to collect over £1million worth of sugar in the first 3 months.
All the collected sugar is then simply repackaged and sold to third world countries at a Fairtrade price, they're also not so fussy about finding bits of crap in food products.
Distributed under the defunct supermarket Kwik Save, a name known for its low-quality products.
Each time you see Lord Sir Alan Sugar on The Apprentice point his bendy finger and say "you're fired" you'll be fired up into thinking about testing blood glucose levels, think diabetes, think sugar and think give your sugar to Sugar.
Sugar factory
     
If you're giving, we're taking
 
SPONSOR A GRAVE
Tenpasenta
You can sponsor any of our graves, either for yourself or a friend.
Your chosen grave will write to you on your birthday and send begging cards on the date of their occupant's internment.
Many people can sponsor a single grave, rest assured that your sponsorship money may actually go towards the upkeep of your chosen grave, but we can only cut the grass so many times a day and excess funds will inevitably go into Mark the Vicars back pocket.
Sponsor a grave
Wilf

My name is Wilf,
soon after my owner's death I became so lonely, nobody visited me or gave me treats, even the flowers on me are just plastic, and they've been there seven years now.
Will you be my friend?
Cemetery: Tenpasenta church Woolston.
Age: 10 Years old.
Gender: I'm a boy.
Breed: Polished White Marble with cut grass to front.
Visit status: Yes you can visit me, I'm plot 1365, twenty graves left of the old wishing well.
More info: Playing football and eating food were my two main passions in life! I enjoy a more sedentary time now.
FUNDRAISING EFFORTS
Tenpasenta
Sponge the vicar New"Sponge Brian" raised £40 last Wednesday after he locked himself in the Church stocks by mistake.
Mark the vicar would like to thank the window cleaner for the bucket of water and sponge, and he was more than happy to donate £40 out of his pocket for the privilege of drenching the silly retard.
Every business should hire a dumb arse, they're great to blame if things go wrong, cheap to run and perfect for making yourself appear more clever during three-way conversations.
100 yard fun run Last years 100-yard fun run was a great success with more than 200 runners registering at only £25 each.
This is one of the few opportunities for the sick or infirm to take part and collect charity money for themselves.
We noticed that three patients from a nearby hospice couldn't be arsed to turn up, it's their loss I guess. It was later noticed that we had buried one of them two weeks earlier, so it wasn't all bad news for us.
Mark Collyer vicar
Fete prizes Our Church fete Tombola is not so popular and for the 5th year running we sold no tickets.Tenpasenta money
It has been decided that in 2015 we will boost the prizes from basic sundries, to a 10% discount on funerals and mini bottles of alcohol we've nicked from hotel minibars over the years!
Most people don't realise we depend on this tax-free income for our Sky+ subscription and broadband.
Only £5 per ticket.
Please buy as many as you can afford.
RUN FOR ALZHEIMER'S
Tenpasenta
Our first Charity run of the year took place on the 13th July, as usual, it was our "Run for Alzheimer's" event, it has become quite a tradition here at the Tenpasenta church over the past seven years.
We invite elderly residents from over sixty-three old peoples homes within a five miles radius of the Tenpasenta estate here in Southampton. To qualify all entrants must suffer stage 7 Alzheimer's, they can then come and take part in five laps of our V.I.P. Car park. Fake funeral director approved
This year was a real bonus as somebody remembered the correct date and time, he even turned up.
Coffin dodger Chester Drawers 88, was the sole entrant and very nearly won the £10 prize, unfortunately, five feet from the finishing line he collapsed from an embolism, had he only fallen forwards he would have passed the finish line and his children would have inherited the prize money.
Good old Chester, we look forward to cremating him.
Chester Drawers
EASTER EGG HUNT (SEASONAL)
Tenpasenta
Easter hat Unlike many egg hunts around the country, we hide our eggs in predesignated digging locations around our cemeteries. Each possible location of the hidden Easter egg is carefully marked with a large rectangle, every egg will be found no less than six feet down, thus adding an extra dimension to the competition.
Eggs may not be in every marked location.
For an entrance fee of only £50, you too can join the dig for a Cadbury's creme egg. If you were to find an egg in any of our digging areas nobody would be more surprised than us, but if you did, you can keep it.
EASTER EGG HUNT
SHOEBOX APPEAL (SEASONAL)
Tenpasenta
Christmas Shoebox appeal We would like to thank the local school children for over a thousand beautifully decorated shoeboxes.
However, we didn't ask for them and have no idea what to do with them. We opened a few and found nothing but crap, the kind of stuff only a poor person would appreciate, certainly not a wealthy Church like us.
We have decided to sell the boxes themselves as part of our festive budget funeral urn/foetus coffin range, and the contents will be sorted for either the dustbin or our personal use.
Christmas Shoebox appeal
UNSUNG FUNDRAISERS
Tenpasenta
Second crematorium southampton  
We recently noticed of handful of people helping promote our application for a second crematorium.
This new crematorium will include three extra-large retorts to handle the increasing size of the dead.
Great news, our application was successful, by early 2015 we will be offering cremation facilities able to handle well over fifty bodies per day, and with reduced prices, we aim to attract 10% of the local cremations market.
Thanks to all those involved.
MESSY DAY
Tenpasenta
  church Messy day
We've just noticed a great scheme on other Church sites it's called Messy Day! Read this and you won't believe how simple it is.
On a summer day in the future, we invite families of friends of the Tenpasenta church to come and clean up our grounds. Spend a fun morning picking up rubbish, then gather for a free drink of orange squash before going home to put your feet up for a well-earned rest.
Only £5 per family.
We couldn't believe it either, so from July 22, 2013, we are introducing this great idea biannually, come along and enjoy.
Tenpasenta church
     
 
TEA ROOM
Tenpasenta
Church lunch Come in for a friendly chat, admire our vicarage, basically see how the other half live. We will not pressure you to donate money, in fact making money is the last thing on our minds.
Tea and a biscuit..............
Coffee with milk...............
Bacon sandwich................
Cheese sandwich..............
Cheese & onion roll...........
Beaker of orange squash....
£5.50p
£6.20p
£9.08p
£9.65p
£7.80p
£3.50p
Tenpasenta church of england
Nun on a piano Chocolate fountain staff only
left If you're lucky enough to
meet Sister Mary riding
around on her piano
please give generously!
Tenpasenta cash
     
if you're giving, we're taking
 
MEGA LOTTO WINNERS
Tenpasenta
vicar misses lotto fortune It was only after Mark the vicar let Adrian Bayford go in front of him at the paper shop, that he realised that the £148million winning lucky dip Lotto ticket would have been his. After several dozen begging letters to Adrian went unanswered, it was decided to highlight just how tight-fisted mega lotto winners were. Not one penny has been received from any winner to our fundraising efforts. If only the vicar had won we wouldn't need to contrive this part of the site.
Latest news has it that Adrian is going to marry a girl 19 years younger than him, bastard, that could have been me, I mean the vicar.
Lotto
Lucky bastards, vicar misses lotto fortune Lucky bastards, vicar misses lotto fortune
Gillian and Adrian Bayford Colin and Chris Weir
Lotto winners are welcome to donate!
Tenpasenta church
     
fake church
 
TRUFFLES
Tenpasenta
Hound Found Truffles
Graham Collyer, market researcher Dog locating Truffles White truffle Truffle collection point
The Right Reverend Vicar Graham recently passed through our local park and noticed what he believed to be dogs being trained in the ancient art of truffle hunting. Truffles are a very valuable commodity and can be sold to posh restaurants for a fair few quid.
The dogs were very clever and would crouch over the truffles they found and then their trainers would bag them up and just put them in a special bin to be disposed of, this is assumed to be a way of limiting supply and keeping prices sky high.
The Right Reverend Vicar Graham has decided to visit the park under the cover of darkness and retrieve these discarded fungi just for you.
Now you can enjoy this delicacy from our Church shop at a greatly discounted price, as you grate your fresh HOUND FOUND truffle over your spaghetti and breath in that delicate aroma you will feel that added joy of knowing the Tenpasenta church of England will be putting your money to good use, driving lessons for our hearse drivers for example.
Brown truffles: £45 per 250g
White truffles: £99 per 100g

TITANIC

Tenpasenta
Guinness world records
2009
World Record!
It's a proud moment in any Churches advertising, that someone as famous as Millvina Dean should visit their Church and break a world record.
On 31st May 2009, Miss Dean visited our corpse viewing centre and unwittingly broke the world record for having the thickest prescription lenses in the world after being noticed by the ghost of long-dead Guinness bloke Norris McWhirter.
Mildred enjoyed a celebratory snack of out of date complimentary Spar fish and chips and we haven't seen her since.
Millvina Dean Titanic baby
Millvina Dean Titanic baby David Guest the ugly fucker Millvina Dean Titanic baby
We were shocked to read in Southampton's Southern Daily Echo that Millvina has been forced to sell all of her Titanic memorabilia and DVD's to pay for her £3000 a month Tenpasenta nursing home costs, we also hear that she had to burn the autographed picture of herself and David Guest to keep warm (so it's not all bad news).
As from 1st June 2009, Mark the vicar has agreed to pay all of Millvina's nursing home costs, from that day onwards until the day she dies, a truly generous offer from the Tenpasenta church.
Mark the vicars distant relative Mr. Harvey Collyer, was not so lucky,
he died during the sinking, biggest loss was the fact he was carrying £5000 in cash!
     
If you're giving, we're taking
 
MISSIONARY WORK
Tenpasenta
Project-Thailand Mark the vicar takes his missionary work seriously

As part of our missionary work around the world Mark the Vicar visited Patong Beach in Phuket Thailand to see what all the fuss was about.
After a hard day avoiding direct sunlight the vicar felt visiting the tarts and trollops would be best done after 11 pm, to blend in with the other middle-aged men in the area he let himself be invited to a bar serving the cheapest drinks.

Using kindly donated money Mark was able to ingratiate himself to the local girls, and get a closeup view of the cheap and revealing clothes they are forced to wear. Neither the working girls or Mark the vicar enjoyed the experience offered by this resort which can be seen clearly in the photos taken.
Unfortunately due to time restraints and lack of money we are unable to find out what happens when the bar girls return to your hotel, this is why we require further donations so that Mark the vicar can return and do a proper in-depth study and discover what the term "sunk balls deep" means to staff and patrons alike.
vicar in Phuket vicar in Phuket vicar in Phuket
FOOTNOTE BY MARK THE VICAR
Tenpasenta
Quote
"Whatever way you choose to raise money for the Tenpasenta church, every penny is very much appreciated Quotewith very little going to myself in lucrative expenses and unessential luxuries."
Your effort, our gain
Mark the vicar




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