You can sponsor any of our graves, either for yourself or a friend.
Your chosen grave will write to you on your birthday and send begging cards on the date of their occupant's internment.
Many people can sponsor a single grave, rest assured that your sponsorship money may go towards the upkeep of your chosen grave, but we can only cut the grass so many times a day and excess funds will inevitably go into Mark the Vicars back pocket. |
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My name is Wilf,
soon after my owner's death I became so lonely, nobody visited me or gave me treats, even the flowers on me are just plastic, and they've been there seven years now.
Will you be my friend? |
Cemetery: Tenpasenta Church Woolston.
Age: 10 Years old.
Gender: I'm a boy.
Breed: Polished White Marble with cut grass to front.
Visit status: Yes you can visit me, I'm plot 1365, twenty graves left of the old wishing well.
More info: Playing football and eating food were my two main passions in life! I enjoy a more sedentary time now. |
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 "Sponge Brian" raised £40 last Wednesday after he locked himself in the Church stocks by mistake.
Mark the vicar would like to thank the window cleaner for the bucket of water and sponge, and he was more than happy to donate £40 out of his pocket for the privilege of drenching the silly retard.
Every business should hire a dumb arse, they're great to blame if things go wrong, cheap to run and perfect for making yourself appear more clever during three-way conversations. |
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Last years 100-yard fun run was a great success with more than 200 runners registering at only £25 each.
This is one of the few opportunities for the sick or infirm to take part and collect charity money for themselves.
We noticed that three patients from a nearby hospice couldn't be arsed to turn up, it's their loss I guess. It was later noticed that we had buried one of them two weeks earlier, so it wasn't all bad news for us. |
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Our Church fete Tombola is not so popular and for the 5th year running, we sold no tickets.
It has been decided that in 2015 we will boost the prizes from basic sundries, to a 10% discount on funerals and mini bottles of alcohol we've nicked from hotel mini-bars over the years!
Most people don't realise we depend on this tax-free income for our Sky+ subscription and broadband.
Only £5 per ticket.
Please buy as many as you can afford. |
Our first Charity run of the year took place on the 13th July, as usual, it was our "Run for Alzheimer's" event, it has become quite a tradition here at the Tenpasenta Church over the past seven years.
We invite elderly residents from over sixty-three old peoples homes within a five miles radius of the Tenpasenta estate here in Southampton. To qualify all entrants must suffer stage 7 Alzheimer's, they can then come and take part in five laps of our V.I.P. Car park. 
This year was a real bonus as somebody remembered the correct date and time, he even turned up.
Coffin dodger Chester Drawers 88, was the sole entrant and very nearly won the £10 prize, unfortunately, five feet from the finishing line he collapsed from an embolism, had he only fallen forwards he would have passed the finish line and his children would have inherited the prize money.
Good old Chester, we look forward to cremating him. |
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| EASTER EGG HUNT (SEASONAL) |
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Unlike many egg hunts around the country, we hide our eggs in predesignated digging locations around our cemeteries. Each possible location of the hidden Easter egg is carefully marked with a large rectangle, every egg will be found no less than six feet down, thus adding an extra dimension to the competition.
Eggs may not be in every marked location.
For an entrance fee of only £50, you too can join the dig for a Cadbury's creme egg. If you were to find an egg in any of our digging areas nobody would be more surprised than us, but if you did, you can keep it. |
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| SHOEBOX APPEAL (SEASONAL) |
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We would like to thank the local school children for over a thousand beautifully decorated shoeboxes.
However, we didn't ask for them and have no idea what to do with them. We opened a few and found nothing but crap, the kind of stuff only a poor person would appreciate, certainly not a wealthy Church like us.
We have decided to sell the boxes themselves as part of our festive budget funeral urn/foetus coffin range, and the contents will be sorted for either the dustbin or our personal use. |
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We recently noticed of handful of people helping promote our application for a second crematorium.
This new crematorium will include three extra-large retorts to handle the increasing size of the dead.
Great news, our application was successful, by early 2015 we will be offering cremation facilities able to handle well over fifty bodies per day, and with reduced prices, we aim to attract 10% of the local cremations market.
Thanks to all those involved. |
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We've recently noticed a great scheme that other Churches called "Messy Day", we couldn't believe how simple it is and jumped on the idea ourselves.
It works like this: On a summer day, we invite families of friends of the Tenpasenta Church to come and clean up our grounds. Spend a fun morning picking up rubbish, then gather for a free drink of orange squash before going home to put your feet up for a well-earned rest.
Only £5 per family.
We couldn't believe it either, so from July 22, 2013, we too started using this great idea every two weeks during the summer, come along and enjoy. |
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with very little going to myself in lucrative expenses and unessential luxuries, honest, whatever you've read"
