Tenpasenta Church
of England.
About us

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You're not just buying a lifestyle,
but an afterlife style


Rev Jesse CollyerTithe machineThe Tenpasenta Church was founded in 1840 by New York funeral homeowner Jesse Collyer.
Jesse overheard some tasty young ladies window shopping outside his coffin shop, they were talking about how expensive his funerals were and compounded with the 10% Tithe money they already gave to the Church they feared the cost of the sudden death of their husbands could ruin them, but they knew the attraction of the afterlife offered by their church was great but those left behind may have years of struggle paying the H.P. on the funeral, let alone putting a bit by for their turn which to be honest is a bit daft, do you really think having no cash means they'll make you put the body out by the bins?.
These churchgoers had been more than happy to pay 10% of their income in Tithe money as the scriptures urged them to do, in this case giving the money to their church.
Confirmed atheist and entrepreneur Jesse thought that this all sounded like money for old rope, and he invented the 10% Church that very second. He nearly fell from the ladder he was spying from in his haste to tell the girls about his new Church idea. A modern Church where there were no daft 2,000-year-old stories, no need to ruin your Sunday lay in, Just the guaranteed life after death for all those tithing to his church instead, a church that would 10% of their income but would also offer a 10% discount on funerals. Tithe without the trash! It had always been a belief of Jesse's that weak-willed churchgoers were only really interested in securing a life after death in the first place, a theory that was proved to be true.
tithe without the trash Within a matter of days new 10% church saw membership grow from an initial handful of invited big breasted beautiful young ladies to thousands of far less attractive people, and they were all gagging to pay him their 10% tithe money instead of their original churches.
Tenpasenta fingerAfter time the members called themselves The 10 Percenter's, and it's from this nickname Jesse derived the now World famous Tenpasenta Church, the name had a changed spelling due to copyright issues.
To avoid any confusion between Tenpasenta members and common scumbags Jesse introduced the Tenpasenta sign, this was a visual technique used not only to recognise other members but as a method of passing the Tenpasenta word to the ignorant and the anti-social.
To make the sign yourself just raise your middle finger (one in ten fingers = 10%) and gesture it towards your chosen target. It quickly became a popular symbol and is still in common use the world over, however many have forgotten the origin and meaning of the sign.
Tithe to Tenpasenta
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Mark Collyer Head Vicar The Very Reverend Mark Collyer Head Vicar and a Right Royal Peculiar was born at a very early age in 1965, he is part of a very large family but only knew about the others after his wealthy father's death in 2001, it's funny what money brings out of the woodwork.
Educated in the nearby village of Chandlers Ford, he obtained both a CSE in photography and art, qualifications which are totally useless to anybody, but with thanks to a hefty bribe from the Tenpasenta Church he went to Half Eton College to learn about how to manipulate the general public, a course popular with politicians as well as the Clergy.
Being Head vicar at an established Church is a dream job for anybody, just imagine the salary, it also gave Reverend Mark a valuable position in society, one that lesser mortals can only aspire to unless they too inherit vast wealth or become a TV celebrity.
Vicar Graham Collyer The Right Reverend Vicar Graham is Mark's older brother, although before Mark was born he was an only child.
He declined the chance to become Head vicar and instead pursued his passion for carpentry becoming a full-time electrician on local building sites. Several of the housing developments he had worked on burned to the ground within months, it was never proved that an electrical fault caused the fires, and it was overlooked that many of the dead were sent to Tenpasenta run funeral directors, coincidence? The jury is still out on that one.
Lured back to the Church by the chance of a regular income and a cushy job he became district sales manager for Church-related products, thanks to his promotion of our bespoke coffin range our sales went through the roof with sales up 400% in 2009, we only sold one in 2008, you do the maths.
Vicar Lesley Collyer The Venerable Vicar Lesley is an East End born relative who was brought up with the morals of a thug, and an IQ to match. His early life was like a script from a Guy Ritchie film but without the humour.
He began his fighting career aged 5 with bare-knuckle fights against local Pikey kids for money, from what we hear he never won a single fight, but he did break the knuckles of many of his opponents due to the goldfish bowl he wore on his head, hence his nickname of Knuckles, he was also known as "Bowl head", "Space boy" and "You feeking feen cheating bassar" (old Pikey lingo), he responds to any of these.
His personality is perfect for handling our Budget funeral customers, many of whom come from such a low class that few of us here in the office can understand a word they say, but money is money from whatever pocket, it's just a matter of how much you can get out of it, and knuckles is very good at relieving people of their money, especially the bereaved.
You're buying an afterlife  
Mother vicar The Very Reverend Sister Mary is not Mark the vicar's sister, but a cousin, she is well liked by the public, but she does have her knockers. Mary joined the Church at the age of sixteen and has been the focal point of many male visitor's amorous glances ever since, though few have looked higher than her ample chest. Those who have looked higher soon glance down again.
Mary runs our kids club and columbarium tours, she is more than happy to get involved in peoples wedding receptions too when a free drink is involved.
Sister Mary can often be seen dressed as some kind of Nun, usually riding around the estate on a mobile piano we bought from Chessington World of adventure, if you see her riding past you on your next visit please give her a donation, those things don't pay for themselves you know.
Mother Vicar The Reverend Canon Vicar Mother is the Mother of Mark and Graham the vicars.
Although knocking on in years she has a vital role in supervising the running of both geriatric home and retirement home. Mark the vicar felt her advanced years would count as good experience for care of the elderly.
We didn't count on Alzheimer’s creeping up on her though, which is a shame especially when she shows fellow Alzheimer sufferers around a potential property, it can take all day, and they often forget why they started.
She will not be working her 14-hour shifts for much longer, so pop in for a look at a demonstration of how the blind lead the blind among the over 70's.
Vicar Jean Paul The Reverend Vicar Jean-Paul is a "new" relative from Paris, he spent 20 years as a connoisseur chef at the first Mc Donald's fast food restaurant in the Louvre gallery.
Bringing his experience to the Premium crematorium has certainly changed our views on cremating the dead, just as it did at Mc Donald's where he cremated their burgers daily.
If you buy a Premier cremation from us you will be invited to come behind the scenes and enjoy a nice glass of red from Jean Paul's columbarium based cellar, what better way is there to wish your relative a fond farewell than a toast as they toast. Only £45 per person.
If you're giving, we're taking
Vicar Brian Collyer Neighbour and general do all know nothing Sub under vicar Brian.
Brian owns the house next door to our retirement home, we believe him to be Des the vicar's illegitimate son, but the surname could just be a coincidence. In exchange for letting us build in his garden we let him do odd jobs around the estate, he wears a company dog collar and gets the name sub under the vicar, we do not pay him.
If you would like to meet Brian, and buy an autograph from him he could be anywhere, but please make note that he is not on-site Monday mornings as he goes to his special needs clinic, whatever that is.
Marco (the Don) Collyoni Every good church requires a good accountant, and Marco Collyoni is our man.
Marco is based in the European tax haven of Vatican City in Rome, working alongside the Cardinal Vicario he has access to all kinds of financial malarkey essential for premier churches.
Marco is the only member of the Tenpasenta Church team to believe in the God nonsense, and as such is not permitted to come within 5 nautical miles of the Tenpasenta estate in Southampton, although he does have a luxurious office in our Mayfair headquarters.
Marco we hear is a big wheel in the Sicilian Mafia, they call him Don Collyoni for some reason, we assume Don must be an Italian name for his horse head delivery service.
Tenpasenta Church    
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Tenpasenta in the press


Rev. Mark Collyer
This 14th century building may be from the middle ages but it is by no means just for the middle-aged, we do host prestigious weddings and funerals during the day, but each evening it becomes the hottest venue in Woolston for drink and revelry, the beer flows freely as we open the whole church to our main concern, the pub!
The Premium Church is now also known as The Cock in Hand, the name is a homage to wankers everywhere.
The Cock in Hand Pub
A warm welcome awaits everyone except the very poor at The Cock in Hand.
Thanks to Church regulations we open 24/7 365 days of the year!, so why not come along and sample our overpriced range of local and intercontinental beverages.
Of course, drinking is not our main reason for opening the bar, just like any real religious institution we prioritise money raising for no real reason, so you please donate via one of our numerous fruit machines or cash collection points.
 The Cock in Hand Pub Queen visits Southampton
There is a cash machine situated on the south side of the Church, we hear that you can use it to withdraw up to £500 per day, we can't see how this small amount of money is useful to anybody, especially to anyone trying to hit the Crazy crucifix jackpot or buy a large round of drinks, but it's the bank's rules, not ours.
Pallbearers wine tasting club every Wednesday morning, crazy coffin carrying contest every Wednesday afternoon.
Church cash machine Church window rude  The Cock in Hand Pub
Try our Crazy Crucifix internationally linked casino style fruit machines
and you could win up to £1million in E-tokens which will be exchanged for a luxury afterlife plan for two.
Church fruit machines Crazy Crucifixe fruit machine
 The Cock in Hand Pub  
If you were to get bored of drinking and gambling in the surroundings of a church why not visit the vicarage casino instead, this may involve gate crashing a wedding reception, but if they don't notice enjoy the free drinks and snacks! Well worth the five-minute walk.
 The Cock in Hand Pub
Church night club Dance the night away at our monthly Disco! The last Friday of every month we clear the lounge of tables and chairs to create a magnificent dance The Cock in Hand Pubfloor. If you have a funeral to attend the following Saturday why not dance and drink through the night as we don't bother to close!

Have the wake of a lifetime at The Cock in Hand!
If you're giving, we're taking
vicar visits Rolf Harris and Jimmy Savile Being the owner of an international Church does bring perks to our owner Mark the Vicar. For example, charity wonder man Sir Jimmy Savile invited Mark to meet Rolf Harris at his Broadmoor estate in 1991.
Mark was surprised at the high-security Rolf Harris has at his home but with all of his valuable artwork hidden somewhere, it should have been expected. Mark the Vicar has become quite the celebrity himself, he once appeared on BBC1's Question time holding his hand up.
Mark Collyer in Question time Audience
Vicars limo It is very important that religious leaders like Mark the vicar travel in luxury and security. We decided to buy an upgraded Cadillac from President Obama, if it's good enough for him it's just about good enough for our vicar.
The cabin area that the vicar will occupy includes an extensive executive compartment, this features seating for important meetings on the go, a view of the outside world is through several inches of bulletproof glass, it has useful mobile office features, many details of the limousine's extensive security remain shrouded in the utmost secrecy, as does the cost of £300,000.
Mainly used for the journey to the Jobcentre and back, this years limo will certainly turn some heads. Flashing strobe and emergency lighting is built-in, along with run-flat tyres, and immense armoured plating. It is also four-wheel drive, ideal for cross country escapes from Jehovah's Witnesses and other religious fanatics.
Detailed layout of the Vicars new car
Tenpasenta Church
fake church
visitors receotion Disabled badge animated Visitor centre disabled access up the stairs
Our visitor centre is situated next to our mortuary complex. It's a very convenient place to leave your donations and find information about us. Our Book of Remembrance, toilets and public CoffinCam viewing area is on the first floor,and is accessible via a beautiful spiral staircase just post the staff only lift.
We have a certificate of European standard wheelchair access and facilities also on the first floor, they've never been used for some reason.
You're buying an afterlife
Take a look at our fantastic videos, one professionally made by the BBC, the others cobbled together by a bloke with no video editing skills whatsoever, we think you'll agree that they're all crap.
Film Film
BBC South Our Tenpasenta compilation
Film Film
Film Film
Premium Funerals on video Budget Funerals on video
Film Film
Tenpasenta Church
fake church


Tenpasenta visitor centre and funeral sales The Tenpasenta Church now focuses on supplying feeder services to our lucrative Church style businesses, a niche other mainstream churches have failed to consolidate into their endeavours of manipulating the religious. We understand some major religions are still into education, but we are more interested in people after this expensive indoctrination process, we like to use the fears created by a real church to promote sales in our Afterlife plans, and their ostentatious buildings as inspiration for our wedding and funerals structures.
Mark the vicar
imperial tobacco
bae systems
The Very Reverend Mark Collyer Head Vicar and a Right Royal Peculiar has been in charge of the Tenpasenta Church for less than 70 years, and it is under his careful guidance that it has seen vast growth in profits meaning that as the sole shareholder he has seen his investment grow by 10% year on year.
We are surprisingly the only U.K. Church to be listed on the FTSE 100 share index.
As of 2017, only the Church of England holds more valuable British property assets, but we aim to surpass that by taking advantage of the present economic downturn by cashing in on as many repossessions as possible, check out BBC's Homes under the hammer and see many of our investments in action.
Tenpasenta Church
Tenpasenta funerals dual trading profit year (2010) was £46,000,000, achieved from 100,334 funerals. We performed 4001 more funerals than in 2009 and profits were up £7.7 million.
£1.5m was invested in vehicles, £2.3m on outsourced cremations, and £1.1m in funeral advertising, the rest was spent on living it up.
Prepaid funeral plan sales are healthy, 8920 have been sold so far this year, 2288 more than budgeted for and 2319 more than last year and that's just in Southampton.
Disappointment as Mark the Vicar dropped two places on the Forbes rich list.
This fall has been put down to the misselling of funeral plans, although this money has only been set aside he will fight every case in the courts for claims over £10.
On the happier side, the drop in places does not reflect the actual cash increase in personal wealth by some 10% taking him to 4th place with only a $58.2 Billion personal fortune.
Forbes Rich List 2013 Mark Collyer

One of the advantages of being amongst the worlds wealthiest is owning a private Caribbean Island "Vicker Island".
Vicker Island is only two miles from billionaire pal Richard Branson’s Necker Island, just double the size and twice as luxurious, he has never met Geoffrey Epstein, so get those ideas out of your head, as for Branson only time will tell
Vicar Island
If you're giving, we're taking
Tenpasenta Church customer reviews
Mark Collyer's old Rolls Royce
By giving only 10% of your gross income to the Tenpasenta Church in the form of Tithe money, not only guarantees you an afterlife but allows our staff to travel among the local community to the standards they have become accustomed to.
The Tenpasenta Church and all Tenpasenta companies are controlled by the spiritual wisdom of Mark Collyer our Head vicar.
As our Head vicar was not educated to a very high standard you may notice many grammatical errors in his writings here, we ask you to forgive him in the way he forgives all those sons of bitches who point out his mistakes in public.
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