Tenpasenta Church
of England.
Royal Visit

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Queen Mother Princess Margaret Rod Hull and Emu Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
Royal pass It was to be a great occasion at the Tenpasenta Church estate on Saturday the 7th of June 2008, but it nearly never happened....
We invited Her Majesty (peanuts for teeth) The Queen Mother to officially open our newly built public facilities, unfortunately due to some misunderstanding or other she was unavailable, however, we were told that her daughter was happy to stand in as official engagements were her thing, Princess Margaret wouldn't really have been our choice because of the recent clampdown on smoking in public places, but we were still happy that she could attend as she'd be a little cheaper.
While on the phone to the Royal family bookings office to enquire about what was the preferred brand of cigarette for Princess Margaret we were informed that she already had a lengthy appointment at the King George VI Memorial Chapel in Windsor. Slightly miffed we considered contacting celebrities Rod Hull and Emu to see if they were free from their new career as TV aerial fitters when Buckingham Palace phoned back to say that it was Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II who had confirmed the visit, this was handy as it meant we didn't need to re-print our "Royal opening" flyers and posters.
The Royal visit was on.


Royalty botherer The day began early with the arrival of several old men in equally old uniforms, we didn't know who they were at first, but after one let slip that he always follows the Queen on official engagements, it became clear that they were Royalty fanatics.
We believe these people deserve contempt, there was a TV programme about them once telling how they hang about the Royals with their cameras and flags, and these silly disguises didn't fool us for a minute.
The vicar moved them out of sight to our Premier Church which is round the back, how we laughed when we found them still there at 9 pm.
Royal hangers on


Queen and vicar You certainly get your monies worth when you hire the Queen, she came with her band and a Royal guard, although some senior retired army members we had been expecting didn't arrive.
Several thousand people from all over Southampton came to see the spectacle it was the biggest event Woolston had seen since the Dustman's strike of 1979.
Every street surrounding the Tenpasenta estate was packed with people, more than one funeral cortรจge that day got a big surprise when the bereaved suddenly thought the deceased was a lot better known than they'd ever imagined.
Her Majesty arrived in her private helicopter, we thought it was a nice idea to see the letters RAF painted on it standing for "Royal Air Force" mimicking Mark the vicar's fleet which have the letters VD on them standing for "Vicar's Division", a choice he is beginning to regret.
Vicars helicopter
meet the Queen She'd refused the use of one of our luxury hearses and opted for her own 6 litre Bentley which had been especially driven from London for the 200-yard drive to the vicarage.
Unfortunately, Mark, the vicar was busy that day watching a Doctor Who box set, so our resident gravedigger Brian and Budget funerals manager Knuckles escorted her Majesty around our estate. She'd shipped down some personal guardsmen who spent their day standing about in our car park while another guard shouted in some strange abbreviated language at them.
I feel that these guardsmen may have only been trainees, I saw them in London when I was a kid and I'm sure they were on horses, maybe the horses were all dead by now as it was thirty-odd years ago, I must look up the life expectancy of horses on Wikipedia.
They gave the impression that it gets very lonely back at their barracks, one told me how they polish their helmets at least twice a day and sometimes do each other, it sounded like a Catholic boys school.
There was the customary two-hour walkabout where her majesty meets a selection of the better-looking members of the public and signs autographs.
Strangely enough, the only people to meet the Queen were those who had paid our last-minute £50 entry fee. Her Majesty collected thousands of flowers from the simple-minded folk and then donated them instantly to us as she didn't want the bloody things, we later sold them from our Sunday market stall and made a fair few quid, which was nice.
We noticed that some sailors had gatecrashed the estate and were Queen-side, we are currently trying to track down H.M.S. Kissmequick and send them a bill for a group entrance ticket.
Queen in southampton
Flypast at vicerage A spectacular flypast by the Red Devils scared the crowd shitless as nobody told us they were coming.
We feel that it's about time they updated their planes as they left terrible trails of coloured smoke, our Premium crematorium has to meet very strict EU emissions yet these 9 jets put that to cock in under twenty seconds.
We spotted a very old man loitering outside our vicarage, he could have been an undercover security officer as he arrived with the Queen and was very familiar with the guardsmen, I guess it's better than working for B&Q, he looked a right misery so we kept him away from the Queen, nothing worse than some unknown bloke ruining peoples Royal photo's.
For an old man, he exercised a sharp wit, insulting our ethnic staff in a way that went right over their slanty-eyed heads. He even sampled a selection of Gordon's gin before moving on, what we are going to tell Gordon when he gets back from Spar I don't know.
Queen's "Mounted" Guards
Film Film
Premium funerals reception Old man at Tenpasenta Church Queen at southampton crematorium Queen visits mortuary
Film Film
Queen visits coffin store Her Majesty was keen to visit the crematorium and discover how common people and Princess Margaret were disposed of, however, she turned down some freshly baked bread rolls, which was a shame as we had kept that cremator on high heat just for her.
She proceeded through the crematorium looking agitated and asking several people if they had seen Prince Philip, this was very sad for us to see, we were not informed about her advanced Alzheimer's, forgetting a loved ones death and other simple family facts must be a real drain on her son William.
Queen visits crematorium
Tenpasenta GOLD
Queen looking at Church Gold
Mark the Vicar invited Her Majesty the Queen to view our Southampton gold reserves.
Situated deep within our Columbarium behind the Collyer family urns, is the door to the higher than top-secret Tenpasenta Church gold reserve.
Mark the Vicar dragged himself from the television to personally show the Queen his absurd wealth.
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Royal plaque ceremony with Queen Queen visits urinals
Our new Gents khazi
Tenpasenta logoWe don't know why but her Majesty rapidly changed mood after opening these toilets, she and her elderly security man left very quickly, maybe she had another booking, we noticed her giving the Tenpasenta sign vigorously through her car window, a great day for everybody.
We hope she comes back in 2014 to open our new Asian style squat toilets.
Queen leaves southampton
We noticed that the prince of York was sat in the car waiting for his mum, so we invited him in to see our new stained glass window,he was quick to see the saucy addition rarely noticed by most people, he looked very upset and shocked, he said that the girl being blessed by Mark the vicar appeared to be over 18, with this he stormed out and went back to the car. Tenpasenta Church rude window
Prince Andrew in Southampton
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