Retirement Home Southampton

Retire to the
Tenpasenta Church
of England

ABOUT US	WEDDINGS	MATERNITY	KIDS CLUB	OVER50PLAN	RETIREMENT
GERIATRIC	DEATH	REMEMBRANCE	GIFT SHOP	ROYAL VISIT	HUMANITARIAN
FUNDRAISING	GOLD4CHURCH	SELF STORAGE	HISTORY	ESTATE	VACANCIES

You're not just buying a lifestyle,
but an afterlife style

LUXURY

Here at the Tenpasenta Church, we recognise how important it is to be shipped off to a decent retirement home, preferably one of your choosing.
Nestled in a quiet corner of our Church Estate in Woolston Southampton, we have two homes dedicated to providing the very best in senior living and care.
Recently opened is our secure retirement housing Mews, comprising of 270 single apartments and 26 double apartments, these figures reflect just how many lives are ruined by the loss of a loved one, usually the men, which is a bugger if you're a man hoping to plan ahead.

Our second phase is a nursing home catering for those dependant on others for their care. This is mainly for geriatric care, but if you have the money and need, why not move in early. Designed with the living rooms facing south means that not only do residents benefit from extra sunshine, but beautiful views too, including the Wotachytole budget cemetery, Tenpasenta Premium Church, green burial sites, and a major road.
All floors can be accessed by elevator, ideal for those too old and worn out to use our grand staircase, which is a shame because it cost a fortune to build and carpet.
The Tenpasenta retirement Mews is located conveniently on the main bus route to Southampton City centre and Sainsbury's, with buses running every fifteen minutes which is very convenient, this would be a real bonus if there was a bus stop within half a mile.
Visit the Tenpasenta Church today and secure your dream retirement home.

This site is not suitable for churchy types

TENPASENTA RETIREMENT

Our front entrance and lobby is a very important part of our retirement home as first impressions count, and that gives a feeling of luxury that may lay beyond. First impressions are very important to us because your relatives will eventually find out just how much you paid to live here after you've died.
We have installed at great cost centralised post boxes for every room, we felt that this central system was ideal for elderly tenants as it would be easier to spot who didn't get up in the morning and could save stinking up a room with the dead.
It also gives our postman time for a nice cup of tea.

All of our rooms come fully furnished, like it or not.
New residents have found furnished apartments a very effective way to encourage downsizing, and ridding themselves of all that personal junk collected through a lifetime. Why not take advantage of our good value self storage facilities until you decide what to bin.
Each room includes a "personal panic system" which could be life-saving if you were to fall or became ill. This invaluable system is accessed by a pressing simple to remember number "999" on our phone system, line rental from £10.75 monthly.

	-
	Mark the vicar has put a beautiful wooden bench in the front porch, mainly because he was shocked at just how old and worn out our residents looked. The bench itself had been standing on that very spot for over ten years before the home was built. A small brass plaque on the bench reads "In memory of Peter Smith, he loved the view from this spot 1945-2000", which we assume was during the summer evenings, we're sure he would think the same today, and if we can track him down we'll ask him.

WOOLSTON, SOUTHAMPTON

BONUS

Using our immense buying power, we can provide free Adjustamatic beds and chairs to every apartment.
If you were to buy this furniture yourself the salesman would need to offer you a substantial amount of gifts to close the deal, basically because it's just a Adjustamatic chair

lot of overpriced crap, not that we'd fall for a cheap trick like this.
For those interested we have £18k worth of M&S vouchers, 700 Parker pens, 20 TFT style Alba televisions, for sale at our main reception.

FREE COFFINCAM LINK

To attract customers to our funeral services we now offer one years Coffincam free to all those residents who lose a live in partner, which we think is bloody good.

FURNISHING

Each landing has a cosy sitting area complete with low maintenance plastic flowers, these are ideal spots to meet friends and family, especially if you've just stunk up your small apartment after cooking greens or a big poo.
The sitting areas look over the large car park and are very popular with residents checking to see if their relatives have bothered to visit, and then grumble that nobody ever comes to see them, even though they did only yesterday.

The picture above is a view of one our typical entrances that are on every floor, each has been tastefully decorated by Mother vicar, they are all identical thanks to that, and because of this it has kept our tenants with Alzheimer's busy for several hours as they try to get home, and even many without problems get lost.
We currently offer access to FREE BT Infinity wireless internet! Although when our neighbour Brian notices he didn't enable his WEP security key this service may stop without notice.

Mark the vicar recommends couples choose one of our larger double apartments, not just because they cost a hell of a lot more which is good for him, but because when your partner or companion does die the extra space is great.
This may be one of the only highlights of having a death of a partner, let us hope it's them instead of you as Bob Geldof said in that God awful Live Aid Christmas song some years back.

At the Tenpasenta Church we love children, in fact, many of us went to school with them.
Children are why we have lined our streets with CHILD BOLLARDS, designed to slow traffic near the home, manufactured by our own funeral extras department.
They can be seen from every apartment and bring cheer to the lonely who may believe they are real kids waiting for a lift home.

DECOR BY MOTHER VICAR

Mother Vicar has helped oversee the decoration of many of our retirement home apartments. After you purchase your new home Mother vicar can use her powers of bad taste to decorate it for you. For a nominal design fee of only £400 and a £2,000 pot for materials plus labour costs, your living space will become a beautiful and unique place to live.
Being a long time fan of ITV's 60-minute makeover means Mother vicar has attained a vast knowledge of what looks nice even if not done very well in reality.
Looking nice on first viewing is what counts to many, as for living with some of these outrageous designs, well, that's not our problem.

GERIATRIC STYLE ACTIVITIES

We have some great entertainment, no need to feel alone sat in your apartment. An exciting schedule including Bingo and draws, win prizes such as joints of meat, Izal loo paper, Neutradol air fresheners and more.
Residents like to sing-along to wartime songs even though most of them were born after the war.
We also have the countries only par 3 indoor three-hole golf course offering all of the excitement of a far larger course without the trouble of walking more than a few feet.
Many have pointed out the fact that this is a very simple to remember the course, but we like to remind them that residents with short term memory loss will find it a new and interesting golf course each time they play.
£12 per round for non-residents.

One of the most fulfilling ways that an elderly resident can while away their final years before dementia sets in is by learning a new pastime such as art.
We are happy to say that the world-famous artist Lucy La Stick is a resident with us and offers art classes twice a week. Lucy has already painted some beautiful scenes she has seen on walks around the estate, she has kindly donated many of these for us to display around the place, we decided to display them in service areas like broom cupboards and sheds, but we look forward to selling these after her death for a fair few quid, hopefully up to £20 each.

HOME EXCHANGE

Guaranteed 10% of actual value.

Easy to manage new home.

Fund your retirement flat rental with our home part exchange scheme. You will receive a fixed offer for your property, subject to a survey by us looking at Google street view and this figure could easily fund your first year with us without digging into your hard-earned savings.
Never worry about maintenance costs again, our fixed fee of only £3,000 per year covers everything, we cut the grass, and even include biannual window cleaning, probably other stuff too.
Tenpasenta Retirement Exchange is the ideal way to get yourself into the last home of your life. Just don't tell your relatives until we exchange contracts.
This is a great way to avoid inheritance tax, if your estate is worth £500k why give the government £70k after your death for nothing when you can give it to us instead, if you think you may die soon get donating to us quickly, you've got 7 years to shift your cash before they grab some.

MEALS AVEC WHEELS

Jean-Paul is a dab hand at French-style cooking, he's based at our Premium crematorium where he provides our Michelin starred cremations, and he will bring these skills to your Michelin Pilot tasting meals.
Prices start at only £6 per meal based on a 30-day rolling contract.
We guarantee that Ronnie Corbett will not be advertising our products.
Meals avec wheels are available to all within a 3-mile radius of Woolston, bringing premium catering to the lucky retired of Southampton, a service normally reserved for geriatrics in the community.

LOCAL JOBS

Boost your pension and help pay those terrible energy bills and unwanted taxes, go back to work.
Plenty of jobs are available locally for the elderly, all just a quick drive or bus ride away, from what we hear you can work until you drop these days, and if you were to work for DIY chain B&Q (renowned for hiring the elderly) you may be able to get some discount on chipboard sheets that could be used to build a homemade coffin in your spare time.
You can't go wrong.
God bless modern medicine for extending life and the Conservative Government for forcing the retired back to work to cover their pension shortfall.

BUDGET APARTMENTS

We have some budget apartments available in our basement, going fast! Only 34 of 35 remaining.

FINAL COMMENT WITH MUSIC TO LISTEN TO

Many call retirement their autumn years, which is nice because that means Christmas is just around the corner.
When your laughter lines tell you nothing was funny it's time to think about your future retirement requirements. Many find that they need a retirement home sooner than they thought, especially those who've been in a coma for 30 or more years.
Put aside those dreams of retiring to the sun of Spain and choose Hampshire's top retirement resort Southampton quote

instead.
Our ground floor is dedicated to assisted living, ideal for you (and your partner?) as you eventually slip into senility.
All of our residents qualify for automatic acceptance into our geriatric care home next-door should they still have some equity left, great peace of mind.
Welcome to Tenpasenta Retirement Southampton, more homes around the country coming soon.

ABOUT US	WEDDINGS	MATERNITY	KIDS CLUB	OVER50PLAN	RETIREMENT
GERIATRIC	DEATH	REMEMBRANCE	GIFT SHOP	ROYAL VISIT	HUMANITARIAN
FUNDRAISING	GOLD4CHURCH	SELF STORAGE	HISTORY	ESTATE	VACANCIES

Copyright M. Collyer
Disclaimer: All products and services promoted on this site are fictional, and once purchased are non-refundable.