Kids club
Tenpasenta church
of England
vicars_animated
   
MATERNITY
ABOUT US WEDDINGS MATERNITY KIDS CLUB OVER50PLAN RETIREMENT
GERIATRIC DEATH REMEMBRANCE GIFT SHOP ROYAL VISIT HUMANITARIAN
FUNDRAISING GOLD4CHURCH SELF STORAGE HISTORY ESTATE JOBS
OVER50PLAN
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KIDS CLUB

Tenpasenta
Church Kids Club Boobs Sister Mary, our Locum Nun
Here at the Tenpasenta church, we're not backward in coming forward with great ideas for you and your family, especially when it involves some easy income for us. We have even obtained celebrity sponsorship from from as far away as the USA,they told us they loved kids, and that's good enough for us.
Welcome to the Tenpasenta church Kids club.
It's never too early to teach your children the advantages of giving money to our Church, and at our Kids Club, we teach just that mixed with fun and games they will love.
Our kid's club takes place every evening from 6.30 pm to 7.45 pm in our cosy underground columbarium complex.
Check back for our summer timetable as we're open all day during school holidays.
silly looking kid ash pit
Locum Nun Mary Collyer runs our kids club.
Mary won best in breed at Crufts in 2003, which was strange as she was only dropping off some Church Kids club leaflets.
Kids love to play in our unique ash pits, just like a sandpit but full of uncollected cremated remains which can be topped up with still-warm remains for winter fun, children can even fill urns for our funeral department.
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This site is not suitable for churchy types
 

COLUMBARIUM

Tenpasenta
A popular game with kids club members is hide and seek, with some games lasting well over two hours, all of the kids have unsupervised access to our vast underground columbarium network, which is great fun. Unfortunately over the years a few of the children have found themselves locked in overnight and found scared shitless at the next days opening, we blame the parents and not Sister Mary's rush to the pub at 8 o'clock, we suggest that if you leave your child with us that you have them tagged for their own safety, it's not our fault they bugger off.
Because of this we would like to remind parents that they should collect their children at 7.45 pm sharp, we fully understand how nice it is to have the house to yourselves now and again, and we are more than happy to have small groups stay overnight when prearranged, please do not fill their heads with tales of ghosts and zombies, we have enough trouble with the bloody rats, it's not helpful when we are trying to focus their minds on the lighter side of giving money to a church, the fact that they are surrounded by the dead reinforces the fact that the little sods are as mortal as any man, unless they donate to us in the future when of course they'll be guaranteed an afterlife.
Your co-operation is appreciated.
play area fancy dress kids crypt kids meals
WARNING
Tenpasenta
kids crypt   Weils disease warning
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GARY GLITTER

Tenpasenta
GARY GLITTER
Sir Gary of Glitter donated £90,000 to the Tenpasenta kids club for a dedicated under 16 girls only play area to be known as the Gary Glitter Wing*. Gary feels that pre-pubescent girls should be in a safe environment away from lads their own age.
Luxury include Gary's 70's hits playing on an Touch me 8 track8 track cartridge, videos, PS2 games, and changing rooms with showers.
This is all monitored by 52 HD security cameras linked directly to Gary's personal security team based in his own house, wherever that is now.
The Gary Glitter wing
supersedes the late
Lord Savile's "Jim'll Fix It"
mortuary.
bbc_logo_small
 
bbc STUART HALL
Tenpasenta
It's a Knockout! BBC Summer Special!
Stuart Hall It's a Knockout
With Stuart Hall.  
Enjoy our It's a Knockout Summer play area, kindly donated by BBCTV anchor man Stuart Hall OBE.Stuart Hall
Stuart will be on hand as often as possible in the summer months to personally apply suntan lotion on any young girls he feels need it, we agree that it's vital to protect children from the suns harmful rays.
There are so many things that can endanger our children these days, we're glad that Stuart is giving up his valuable time to protect your kids!
For those unfamiliar with Stuart, we found this quick video of him visiting a police station for what we assume was a charity event.
bbc ROLF HARRIS
Tenpasenta
Get your kids to join the Rolf Harris Art Club!
Learn how to draw whilst throat singing.
Let Rolf draw your daughters in compromising positions (he then pays you!).
Painting with rollers.
Draw a picket fence at sunset, and lots more besides!
Rolf has even painted the Queen, if he can be alone with her rubbing the tip of his brush on canvas you know that your children will be in safe hands.
Rolfaroo
Rolf Harris painting Queen Rolf Harris with his painting of the Queen
netflix KEVIN SPACEY
Tenpasenta
Kevin Spacey kevin spacey in cellar
Hollywood movie legend Kevin Spacey and star of multi-award-winning TV series Game of Thrones, kindly updated much of our cellar space into a kid-safe play area, with thickly padded walls and floor for maximum comfort and a soundproof ceiling so not to disturb guests in the vicarage.
Kevin and some of his celebrity pals would often invite our kids in for all expenses paid sleepovers during the school holidays, giving parents a well-deserved rest from their tireless young ones.
NEWS FLASH
Tenpasenta
Warning WARNING Warning
Top Tip It has been drawn to Mark the Vicar's attention that our celebrated stars above may not be suitable partners for a class-leading fake Children's club. News reports suggest that they may be a bunch of cunts who have groomed our staff into believing they are great, their large cash donations would not have affected our previous suspicions about them.
Until further notice, they will only be available on Saturdays, but at half price. Once we find out the truth behind the scurrilous rumours we will decide what action to take.
We will not be giving refunds or admit liability for anything they may have done whilst on our premises.
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You're buying an afterlife
 
CLUB FEES
Tenpasenta
Southampton Kids Club Tenpasenta bloke
Children 2 - 6 years £2.50 per session.
Children 7 - 21 years £4.50 per session.
Why not pay for a whole years kids club in advance and save £2*
Price includes a free heavily diluted soft drink and equally soft old biscuits.
*Off the price of a funeral.
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COLUMBARIUM GUIDED TOURS
Tenpasenta
Sister Mary columbarium tours

Columbarium tours available daily, contact kids club leader Sister Mary Collyer.
Only £15 per person for an hour-long tour which takes in a twenty-minute visit to our crematorium, and a complimentary glass of wine or orange squash for £5
Round off your tour with one of our wedding guests meals via the back door of the vicarage for only £20, Mary's favourite is a sausage in cider, we think that's a meal.
Visiting timetable: Crypt advisor

10am
12pm
2pm
4pm
We hope to see you soon.

Donate to Mark
MATERNITY
ABOUT US WEDDINGS MATERNITY KIDS CLUB OVER50PLAN RETIREMENT
GERIATRIC DEATH REMEMBRANCE GIFT SHOP ROYAL VISIT HUMANITARIAN
FUNDRAISING GOLD4CHURCH SELF STORAGE HISTORY ESTATE JOBS
OVER50PLAN
     
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Publisher
Copyright M. Collyer
Disclaimer: All products and services promoted on this site are fictional, and once purchased are non-refundable.