Tenpasenta Church
of England.
Vacancies
vicars_animated
   
 
ABOUT US WEDDINGS MATERNITY KIDS CLUB OVER50PLAN RETIREMENT
GERIATRIC DEATH REMEMBRANCE GIFT SHOP ROYAL VISIT HUMANITARIAN
FUNDRAISING GOLD4CHURCH SELF STORAGE HISTORY ESTATE VACANCIES
 
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LIMOUSINE DRIVER

Tenpasenta
SITUATIONS POSSIBLY VACANT
Xj8
Premium funerals XJ8

Limousine/hearse driver.
Full training maybe be given.
This job involves driving very powerful cars as slowly as you can.
Performance hearses can accelerate from 0 to 60mph in six seconds, but this is frowned upon during a funeral cortège.
Applicants with a miserable face stand a higher chance of being selected.
You may/will be required to act as a pallbearer, so bear this in mind before applying, especially if you are very tall or short because you will be automatically rejected on sight.
Work includes: Chatting with your workmates in a back room at the crematorium, (great for the winter months), and nipping out for a quick fag as soon as the coffin is on the catafalque (try to smoke out of the view of mourners, it's the irony, not regulations).

£16k pa + overtime.

XJ8 V8 4.0 Jaguar XJ 8 funeral car
JOB REFERANCE: MEAT WAGON
     
This site is not suitable for churchy types
 

GRAVE DIGGER

Tenpasenta
SITUATIONS POSSIBLY VACANT
Ready grave with cover
Dug grave cover set Gravedigger/cemetery maintenance.
This stimulating job offers the correct applicant the chance to handle heavy machinery, this work could also expose a gold tooth or two as you double dig some graves, as a bonus you can keep them!
Cemetery maintenance involves cutting grass, planting Christmas trees, and kicking out cheap petrol station flowers twice per week, you will also be required to remove excess human ashes from the garden of remembrance daily.
Successful applicants will be provided with a limousine to get around the vast estate.
We sometimes work to the highest possible standards and will expect our new staff to do the same.
We will only be hiring a male member of staff, the last female applicant who was hired couldn't hand dig a grave in under 2 days, no good to us, nice knockers though.
£15k flat.
grave supports Vacuum up human ashes
JOB REFERANCE: HOLE IN ONE
Tenpasenta Church
   
 

WALL AND LOFT INSULATOR

Tenpasenta
SITUATIONS POSSIBLY VACANT
Cavity insulation, cremsulation
Cremsulation Cavity wall/loft installer.
An excellent opportunity to join our Cremsulation team.
Experience is necessary as handling human remains will cause cancer to the operator.
Operators who already suffer a terminal illness will be selected above healthy members of the public.
Persons with a very low IQ are especially welcome to apply, we have found these people to be easily manipulated which is handy with heavy lifting and exposure to carcinogenic materials.
If you are the litigious type please do not apply, workers, are employed to do a regular job for a regular wage, and not for wanting to sue us for a fortune, even though the job will cause illness or death within 5 years.
£11k plus overtime.
drilling cavity wall holes  Phil Macavity Cremsulation blower
JOB REFERANCE: PHIL MCAVITY
     
If you're giving, we're taking
 
CARE WORKER
Tenpasenta
SITUATIONS POSSIBLY VACANT
geriatric essentials
Geriatric hands, possibly dead Geriatric care worker, NIGHT SHIFT.
This stimulating position within our geriatric care home will offer the winning candidate the chance to handle old people.
You will be responsible for their toiletry requirements, for which a pair of reusable gloves will be provided. Distribution of tea and biscuits every hour will also come under your remit. High-speed catheter fitting skills would be an advantage.
Many in our care are bed-bound, it will be your job to turn the patients at least twice a day (not lengthways).
Training will be given on correct use of the automated geriatric despatch system.
Priority is given to Nigerian nurses as most of our night staff come from this part of the world, they're great at scaring old folk shitless when sneaking up with a baguette, which also boosts our throughput.
£18k & time off for going to customer funerals.
Geriatric care excitement Geriatric intensive paliative care
JOB REFERENCE: R SWIPER
Tenpasenta Church
   
 
THERAPIST
Tenpasenta
SITUATIONS POSSIBLY VACANT
Wanking off old men for money
Geriatric sensual Masage Geriatric Therapist, PART-TIME.
We require a fully qualified lady to provide geriatric therapy via the art of massage, we understand the numerous physiological benefits, massage can help to: Reduce stress and anxiety by relaxing both mind and body - Create a feeling of well-being and enhanced self-esteem - Promote positive body awareness through relaxation - And ease emotional trauma through relaxation.
Successful applicants should be aware that they will be handling the very frail, this position is part-time. Remember that as we like to provide the very best experience for the elderly in our care you may be required to wank off old men for which they will pay cash. This money can be kept by you to boost our low salary.
£7k pa
Geriatric massage Massage horrible cold old hands
JOB REFERENCE: HAPPY ENDING
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Tenpasenta Church SOUTHAMPTON ESTATE
ABOUT US WEDDINGS MATERNITY KIDS CLUB OVER50PLAN RETIREMENT
GERIATRIC DEATH REMEMBRANCE GIFT SHOP ROYAL VISIT HUMANITARIAN
FUNDRAISING GOLD4CHURCH SELF STORAGE HISTORY ESTATE VACANCIES
PREMNIUM FUNERALS
     
Southampton Council
gold award southampton Council
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