History of The Tenpasenta church of England

History of the
Tenpasenta church
of England

ABOUT US	WEDDINGS	MATERNITY	KIDS CLUB	OVER50PLAN	RETIREMENT
GERIATRIC	DEATH	REMEMBRANCE	GIFT SHOP	ROYAL VISIT	HUMANITARIAN
FUNDRAISING	GOLD4CHURCH	SELF STORAGE	HISTORY	ESTATE	JOBS

HISTORY

This site is not suitable for churchy types

SOUTHAMPTON NEW YORK 1840-

The first combined Church and Funeral home was started by Jesse Collyer in Southampton New York in 1840. He was quick to recognise the money-making potential in starting his own Church, and he was the pioneer of what was soon to become a new Church renaissance in the U.S.A. Other new religions like the Mormons and the Zion's Watch Tower Tract Society were destined to take a back seat to the 10% Church which had already won the hearts of most Americans with its non-religious outlook on religion. The 10% Church rapidly went from strength to strength, members became known as Ten Percenters, in fact so many people were giving Jesse their tithe money that income became ten thousand times greater than his funeral business, but sadly before Jesse could reach his goal of $15 million in the bank his life was cut tragically short, he was found dead in bed by his fifth wife, he was only 97, even in death it's said there was a smile on his face.
Jesse's fifth wife Eleanor (who was a sex-crazed 18-year-old) took charge of the funeral home, while his only son Wilbur inherited the lucrative Church business.1890, in a twist of fate Wilbur inherited his stepmother by marriage, she was a very demanding woman in the bedroom department, which was a strange department to have in a funeral home. Both businesses became neglected, mainly due to the couple's preference to practice making babies as opposed to burying other peoples.

SOUTHAMPTON NEW YORK 1910-

		The next few years were difficult years, not only for the ever-growing Collyer brood, but America in general, it would not be until after the great war, the Great Depression, and world war two, that eldest son Desmond Collyer would inherit the entire business and make it into the empire it is today. Being only 15 years old it would take a while, and with only $17 million of the Collyer, mega-fortune left the giant task began in earnest. The vision of bringing the Tenpasenta brand back to the forefront of American religion was a big ask, and it began with the renovation an old Church into a Church that also combined a funeral home with built-in crematorium, very similar to the funeral shop owned by founder Jesse Collyer all those years ago. All went well for this Southampton funeral home/Church, in fact, business had never been better and it was time to open an even larger second branch on Southampton's Main Street, this high profile position was a bold move indeed, in fact, it was to turn out a lot bolder move than he had bargained for. Unfortunately Des found that the estate agent had, in fact, sold him premises on the High Street Southampton England and not Southampton New York (which just proves that estate agents have always been a bunch of cocks), but Des was very keen to pass on the Tenpasenta word, and so not to look too stupid, or go broke, he moved himself and the family business idea to England.

SOUTHAMPTON U.K. 1950-

The move to England proved successful, the British public love to pay over the top prices for anything connected to religion, and a Church based funeral directors filled a gap in the market.
Some people even gave their tithe money for nothing more than a few kind words, they didn't even ask for our guaranteed afterlife.
Southampton turned out to be a gold mine, the new Church/funeral directors took the Southern counties by storm, no such thing as 10%'er Bible bashers knocking on doors and handing out unwanted periodicals, no need to attend Church on your day off work, just the simple guarantee of a life after death for a monthly cash subscription of 10% of peoples income, a bargain.
One type of business Des noticed to be missing in Southampton was Self Storage, it was big business in the states, it's also an ideal opportunity to own a large warehouse, just by charging locals a few quid to rent a bit of space it would pay for itself, and leave plenty of free storage space for the Tenpasenta church of England to use as it pleased.

ST MARY'S SOUTHAMPTON 1965-

	The early 1960s heralded the first combined self-storage facility and Church in England, this was built in the luxurious St. Mary's area of Southampton, remembered by many for its attractive ladies who would pepper the streets each evening. Self-storage was still a very new concept to the British public and it would still take many years to catch on, mainly because the contents of most British people's homes around this time was just a lot of old crap. Part of the self-storage area was leased out to the Royal South Hants Hospital as a lucrative emergency mortuary, they had 582 chilled units reserved in case of disaster, the remaining 58 being for the Tenpasenta funeral service itself. In 1979 all 640 slots became used solely by our funeral service, this was during Britain's Winter of Discontent 1978-1979 when many of the countries gravediggers went on strike, and council cemeteries closed their gates, this meant many bodies were left unburied and lounging in mortuary freezers like ours. At this time the Tenpasenta church had no burial land of its own and having used up the central reservations at Hockley Lights in Winchester, and with woodland being guarded by Police, a Tenpasenta burial site was urgently required. Finding enough land for both a Church and funeral requirements was going to be a tall order, but with "God" on his side and a new E-type Jaguar donated to the local Church of England Bishop, things would soon change. The St. Mary's building continued to be used until 1984, but not for its original purpose, it became a beautiful basement swimming pool for the elderly and disabled, to be honest this was due to a design fault with the prefabrication used in its construction, the building had become overly damp causing the basement to flood, but from this disaster came the pool, and with it swimming clubs, like our own Tenpasenta Old Society Swimming Association, and the Tenpasenta Water Association Team Swimmers, great memories, in fact football fans from neighbouring Portsmouth often mention the tossers and twats from St Mary's in their banter.

WOOLSTON SOUTHAMPTON 1982

During the early 80's a derelict Church in Woolston (a glamorous area in the seaside town of Southampton) and its vast grounds was purchased within minutes of it coming on the market, its previous owner the Church of England had been forced to sell it on the orders of a local Bishop. It turned out that most of the 200-acre site was part of the largest cemetery in Hampshire, with some parts dating back to Saxon times, and worst of all it was full. Beyond Historical interest and some local families who still brought flowers, it was deemed a useless piece of land in its current form, however fate smiled on Des the vicar when within days a freak accident occurred on the road passing the site, a flatbed lorry from Yorkshire Opencast Mining Ltd crashed while en-route to Scotland and some excavating equipment fell from it and proceeded to remove six feet of topsoil from almost the entire cemetery. After this terrible event, which coincidentally left a perfect piece of open land, the head of Hampshire County Council granted planning permission to build anything on the site that Des wanted, this influential councillor soon left his position to enjoy a large windfall, which was a coincidence.
Building work soon began on a twenty-five bedroom vicarage, a private crematorium and plans put in place for a new cemetery. The vast Tenpasenta church Estate was on the map.

TENPASENTA BUDGET CHURCH

Due to the ever growing interest in the Tenpasenta church and its history Des the Vicar decided to import the original Tenpasenta church/crematorium from New York, it would become a new focal point on the developing estate. This unique old Church with built-in crematorium which was a dodgy idea as it was made entirely of wood, but being wood meant it could be easily dismantled and shipped to England, it would be cheap to do too as Des's brother Roy said he worked on the RMS Queen Mary that ran between New York and Southampton, even Des's eldest son Graham had just finished his apprenticeship in carpentry. It was an ideal opportunity to bring this together and fulfil the dream.
Below is a picture of Des the vicar and the newly installed first Church, not quite as it was remembered by Des, or how it looked in the photo he'd kept in his wallet.
On further investigation It was found that none of the original structure had arrived from America, it emerged that Roy had never worked on the Queen Mary and that the ship retired from service five years earlier, which could help explain why the delivery was marked B&Q, a new local building supplier.
Pieced together by Graham Collyer it looks fairly good and was used regularly for budget services, as it still does to this day, so it wasn't a total loss.

Head Vicar Des outside the new "original" Church

NEW AGE 2001-

Mark the vicar joins the Tenpasenta church

We noticed every other Church in the country had annual roof appeals which brought them thousands of pounds of easy money, an idea was born and designs were made for a Tenpasenta roof appeal scheme.
Our scheme involved a removable roof that at the start of an appeal could be taken away, hidden, then quickly replaced once local reporters had taken photos. The system works a treat and has so far been used 19 times on our Premier Church raising over £850,000. The design has been patented and sold around the world to less reputable Churches bringing in several millions of pounds as part of a removable roof franchise.
Des the vicar sadly passed away in 2001 following a severe case of not breathing after a heart attack. Mark was ordained Head vicar and started to expand the Church in several more profitable directions. Today Tenpasenta is the largest fake secular Church in the world with 10% of the earth's population donating regularly.

ABOUT US	WEDDINGS	MATERNITY	KIDS CLUB	OVER50PLAN	RETIREMENT
GERIATRIC	DEATH	REMEMBRANCE	GIFT SHOP	ROYAL VISIT	HUMANITARIAN
FUNDRAISING	GOLD4CHURCH	SELF STORAGE	HISTORY	ESTATE	JOBS

Copyright M. Collyer
Disclaimer: All products and services promoted on this site are fictional, however feel free to donate money.